stillplaying | 16th Game [video]

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16th Game [video]

[She's spent the last week hiding. Skipped guitar lessons with Teddy and archery lessons with Henry, barely showed her face in public. Most of her time was spent in the far reaches of the woods away from any areas she knew Sokka might hunt. When she could bother going on her forays. But in the past week, they hadn't felt quite the same. She hadn't been able to lose herself in the hunt as she normally did. Not when there was a fear in her belly that she might see him.

At least Gale had been smart. He'd put that space between them by moving to District 4. This town was too small. It lacked that space she had had in Panem. And because they had been so damn open about their relationship at Prim's party... People knew. So many people knew.

If there was one thing that Katniss couldn't stand, it was humiliation. She didn't want to see their pitying looks. Hear their echoed apologies. She had already had to go through that once. When she had lost Peeta, when her heart had truly broken. This? This didn't hurt as much. No, it was the mortification and the self-disgust that really bothered her now. At least she hadn't been so stupid as letting herself fall in love. But if it had gone on longer? If he hadn't had his death penalty removed, would she have?

Better to have them all hate her, despise her, than pity her. At least that she knew how to deal with, felt as if she could accept. Because they'd be right not to like her. All of them would be right. This likable girl her friends thought she was? That was a lie, only a part of whatever charisma it was she held over others. And today? Today seemed like the perfect day to do just that.

Effie's last post remained fresh in her mind as she turned on the video recorder in the journal. Her hair was neatly braided in its custom side braid. The mockingjay pin pinned high on the chest of one of her nicer blouses, displayed where everyone could see it. She stared resolutely at the camera for a minute before she nodded.]

Today, back in my home of Panem, would have been the first time in seventy-six years that a reaping of contestants for the annual Hunger Games would not have occurred. As many of you know by now, every year, on this day, the names of two children from each district - a boy and a girl between the years of twelve to eighteen years of age - would be selected to fight to the death in an arena days later. The Hunger Games served as entertainment to those who lived in the Capitol. People like Effie Trinket who didn't know better. An honor to those in the richer Districts, the ones favored by the Capitol. For the rest of us, it was a punishment, a reminder of the cost that came with rising up against our government.

[She took a deep breath, lips pursed together for a quick second as she remembered. She spoke without thinking. Determined, she only realized later, to take the heat off of Effie for her suggestion of games here in Luceti. Her mockingjay wings twitched behind her. But once she started speaking again, the words tumbled out. She held her gaze steady, grey eyes showing all the emotion her stoic expression hid.]

Many of you were angry when Effie suggested the idea of gladiatorial-like games here in our prison. But Effie was only acting like everyone else here, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. Looking for something that would make her feel more at home. Just like the rest of us. You have no right, no right at all, to judge her for that. You don't know our world. You don't know what it could be like.

The 75th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, were the last official games held by President Snow and the Gamemakers. But they weren't the last Hunger Games. Because after the second uprising ended, after we won, the surviving victors of previous Games met. There were only seven of us left. Me and Peeta. Our mentor, Haymitch. Johanna, Enobaria, Beetee, Annie. We were given a choice by President Coin - the new leader of Panem, the leader I executed in revenge for my sister's death. One last Hunger Games, this one played by twenty four children directly related to those who held the most power in Panem.

I think the way the vote fell was obvious. Peeta and Beetee and Annie voted no. The better of us. Johanna and Enobaria voted yes. And Haymitch and I? We had the last votes. But he's as unlikable, as bitter as I am. I suspected how he'd vote. And I voted to kill those Capitol children anyway.

I am not a good person. Maybe... maybe I thought I could change. Maybe I thought I could put all this behind me. The Captiol, the Hunger Games, Peeta... But girls like me don't deserve to be happy. They don't deserved to be liked. Or loved.

So do yourselves all a favor and think before you make a judgement about someone. Because as wrong as you are about Effie? You're just as wrong about me.

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[Artemis heard the broadcast. It was something pretty hard to miss, after all. She took in a few of the responses to it, but the journal was no place for something like this. Not after what Katniss had said. She leaves her journal home and goes to find Katniss for herself, swinging by her house and knocking resolutely on the door.

And if she doesn't get an answer? Well, most of the rooms have windows. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one belongs to her almost-sister.]

[When she heard the knock on the door, she had briefly considered getting up from the bed. It could be Henry, here to return the bow. It could be someone else entirely, someone seeking to reprimand her in person. She should get up. She had made this post, she should live with the consequences. The consequences of her actions then and actions now.

But it seemed like too much work. To get up from the bed and look away from the journal. To face a room outside of the one she hid in, the one with the familiar trees of home painted on the walls, seemed like too much work right now. She could run into Effie, into Prim.

Her bedroom was on the first floor. And it would be more than easy to spy her sitting on the bed, knees drawn up to her chest.]

[When there's no answer on the door, Artemis starts peeking in windows and it doesn't take her long to spot Katniss, curled up on her bed. And lucky for Artemis houses weren't exactly secure here in Luceti, and even if they were, she had her fair share of experience in breaking and entering.

...Not that anyone needed to know that.

So it was only a matter of minutes later that she's climbing in Katniss's window and giving the other girl a rueful look.]

You know, hiding works much better if you're not in a room with a window.

[The moment she heard a sound from the window, her head darted upward and away from the journal to watch a cautious stare. It was probably a testament to her mood that she didn't reach for her bow, or even the knife she kept in the bedstand drawer. She didn't do anything but watch as a familiar head of long haired blonde girl climb through the window.

Her lips twitch into a wry grin at Artemis' words and she shrugged. The girl did have a point. A very, very valid point.]

I should have gone to the treehouse.

Well you can try that next time. And then I'll know where to look.

[Artemis returns the wry grin with one of her own before crossing to sink down on the other end of the bed, facing Katniss. She searches her face intently for a moment, a hint of concern showing.]

Hey.

[She rolled her eyes at the response and then scowled a second or two later. Why didn't she keep her big mouth shut? Dammit. She knew better than that. She knew how to push people away and not make herself likable. Why wasn't she doing that then?]

What are you doing here?

You sounded like you were having an awesome day. I came to ruin it. [Artemis gives her a smirk as she sprawls out on Katniss's bed, happily invading her space as she props her chin in her hands.]

Besides, where else would I be? I have to live up to my potential as annoying little sister, right?

[Katniss watched as the girl made herself more than comfortable on the bed. It reminded her for a moment of that last shift they had experienced when she had been the care-free older sister. The sister who could laugh and flirt and would do anything to protect Artemis.

Too bad she couldn't be that girl all the time. Wouldn't that make life so much easier?]

You shouldn't want anything to do with me.

Yes well, I'm notoriously bad at doing anything I 'should'. Aren't you lucky? [Artemis searches the other girl's face with an intent look, studying her thoughtfully.]

So. What happened?

[Maybe at another point in time, she'd smile a little in response. Katniss was much the same. Notoriously bad at doing anything she 'should.' It had driven both Haymitch and Effie mad during the Hunger Games. And again during the war. Reckless and stubborn and unpredictable. Wasn't that a good reason why President Coin had killed Prim? To try and put her under that control?

She had done so many things wrong in her life. So many things. Really, she deserved this.]

I thought it was time people knew the truth. So there wouldn't be any future misconceptions.

[Eleanor wasn't quite certain what she thought as she listened to the other girl explaining her life. It was unsettling to realize how some of these people (and she'd finally settled on the fact that this wasn't some trick of her mother) could come from places nearly as terrible as Rapture. Perhaps just as terrible. Sending children off to fight in an arena, slaughtering each other for the sake of entertainment and control...it was something out of a horror story.]

[And yet...to hear the wat Katniss talked about it, it almost sounded like she was justifying it somehow. Defending herself, which from the sound of it, she had no reason to. Eleanor might not have approved of her choice, but it was an easy to understand, something she could see herself doing in the same situation. Easily. The only thing that held her back was her father...and not very well, judging by the body count they had amassed during their escape.]

[She almost doesn't say anything, not even quite certain the girl wants people to respond, but she can see that they are. Hmm. So eventually...she opens her book. She's curled up on the floor of her apartment, in the space between her bed and the wall, somewhere small and safe, a reassurance in a panicking world to know people couldn't sneak up on her.]

My father would have said that vengeance is wrong. Sparing the people that have wronged us proves we are so much better than them. [Her voice is quiet and sad, her accent far more noticeable than usual.] But it's so hard to live that way, when the world throws demons at us and expects us to be angels. I think I might have done the same thing. In your place. I did things just as bad in mine.

[A pause. She's not sure. She wants to believe she would have done something else, that she'd live by her father's example, but given the chance...]

It doesn't make you terrible. Good people can still do terrible things when pushed too far. When I came across one of the people who harmed my sisters...they did not survive either.

[She was only starting to understand terms like angels and demons. But even after living in Luceti for a year, being exposed to the whole concept of religion, some of these words still seemed foreign to her. She thought she could follow the gist of what the girl was saying. In a harsh world, it was impossible to stay good. To remain someone who could be respected.

Except that was exactly what Peeta managed to do. Peeta, who had been better than any of them despite President Snow breaking and hijacking him.

There was a reason she had been so adamant in saying that she didn't deserve him.

But all of that was irrelevant right now. Peeta wasn't here anymore. He might never return. Besides, if he knew what was going on, if he knew everything she had done since he had left, would he still want her?

She doubted it.]

The war was over when I voted to kill those children.

[That's the worst part of it all, Eleanor is sure she wouldn't have done that, despite the rest. But still. She's quiet for a little while, turning the question over in her head.]

Why did you do it? And 'because I am not a good person' is hardly a reason.

['Because I'm not a good person' seemed like a good enough reason to her. At least, it was true, wasn't it? A good person wouldn't put anything through the horrors she experienced by participating in the Hunger Games. They'd vote like Peeta or Annie did. They'd vote against.

She took a deep breath, eyes narrowing in memory. There were so many reasons she voted the way she did. But she needed to keep to the answers that would anger people here the most.]

Because I wanted them to know what it was like.

[Eleanor is quiet for a bit after that, thinking it over, her gaze distant and away from the book. Eventually she frowns.]

I can understand that. You're right, it's awful. I would not have done that. But I can see it.

[Still...]

Why the children, though? Why not the people you hated?

[She hadn't necessarily hated any of them. Not like she had hated President Snow or President Coin. Not like she had hated herself. It was more of a matter of teaching them all the horrors of the Hunger Games, making the Capitol citizens see it as something more than entertainment. Making them see it as the punishment it was for most of the Districts.]

Because only children played in the Hunger Games.

I don't think you were exactly obligated to obey the rules of the people that had done it to you in the first place. You could've just said it had to be them instead of their children.

[Eleanor had spent months finding ways around rules, she knew all about breaking them.]

[She shook her head quickly. Katniss was just as good at breaking the rules, doing the sorts of things no one wanted her to do. But this was different. The Hunger Games had to be played with children. So their parents and their grandparents would know the pain suffered by everyone in the Districts.]

It wouldn't be the same.

Edited (let's try finishing the comment before posting) 2013-08-09 16:38 (UTC)

[Eleanor frowns.]

No, I suppose it wouldn't. But it still would have been revenge.

[When he gets back from his mission, Chouji flips through what he's missed in the journal. This is the entry that stops him, though. He winces. He's been on active duty since the beginning of his teenage years, but that was fighting for his country, not for their entertainment. For all Clove told him about her training, even her death, he didn't realize this was how it happened.

...And Prim. 'In revenge for my sister's death.' He's silent for a moment before he manages to respond, speaking slowly.]

I wouldn't have voted yes. I can understand why you did, though, after everything that happened. I'm lucky; I usually don't have to vote. My teammate is our strategist. He makes the hard decisions.

[The hardest ones, they sometimes have to push Chouji to follow through on. That doesn't mean he respects Shikamaru or his choices any less. And he's grateful he isn't the one in that position. Chouji can't distract himself for long, though, his thoughts inevitably circling back to the most important thing he learned from all this.

Prim. She's very quickly become one of his closest friends in Luceti, but she never gave any indication of what happened to her. His voice shakes as he finishes.]

You deserve more than you think. Seeing what you do for Prim is enough to prove that. If you aren't happy, or liked, or loved, how will she be? Your sister loves you. She wants you happy. Prim would do anything for you. She told me so.

[She squeezed her eyes shut at his words, biting down hard on her lower lip to keep from screaming at him. Stop it, stop it, stop it. She was tired of this, tired of hearing all these people reassure and defend her despite everything she had just said. They weren't supposed to do it. They were supposed to yell at her, hate her.

Not tell her otherwise.

It seemed even worse to hear this sort of thing from one of Prim's friends. Especially after Rin had berated her. That was what she deserved. Not these kinder words.]

Prim didn't know what I did. [Though, she realized with a slight frown, she would now.] She might think different now.

[Chouji has killed enough people to see the lines blur, wonder if any of those times might have had another solution. Were all of them necessary deaths? Should he have killed them? He looks at his village and his friends; every time he sees them safe he can reconcile the choices he's made, and the choices he allowed the Hokage, the Council, his team leader to make for him.

Maybe his reasons were better. He certainly doesn't agree with her choice in that vote. Not at all. But it isn't as if his own hands are completely clean. Besides, he can't bring himself to hate anyone who loves Prim quite as much as Katniss does, and who Prim cares about to this degree. He may not know Katniss well, but he doesn't have to.]

She won't. [He says it simply but with complete conviction. Prim might be upset, things might not be quite the same between them, not right away, maybe not for a long time, but in the end? Katniss is the most important person to Prim, and Chouji doesn't think that will change.

He doesn't bother elaborating or listing reasons. Chouji doesn't know most of the reasons. He just knows that Prim has them.]

[Her heart felt as if it was sinking in her chest at hearing the conviction in those two words. Because she's certain that he was right. No matter what she did, there would be no changing her sister's opinion of her. No matter how hard she tried.

But truth be told, she wasn't certain that she wanted to try all that hard anyway. Seeing any sort of disapproval or hatred in Prim's eyes? That, more than anything else, would break her. More than facing the revulsion on Peeta's face after his hijacking. More than having to face Gale after Prim's death.

She nodded, unable to come up with any sort of response. He was right. It seemed futile to argue that point.]

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