stillplaying | 12th Game [voice/action]

[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]

Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]

I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.

[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Loki could just close the journal and blame it on Katniss Everdeen's monthly female predicament or something like that. But her words aggravate him greatly.]

Absolutely not. Not after such excruciating stupid words.

[His voice lacks Katniss' cruel edge but there is definitely a frustrated undertone audible.]

Now tell me, if this Peeta would be in a similar position as you are in right now, would he wish to forget you as well?

[She's so tired of being asked that question more than anything else. Why didn't people get it? Why did they continuously have to compare her to him? Ask her what Peeta would think? He's nothing like her. He's everything good where she's everything that's not. Were their positions reversed, Katniss knows without a doubt that he wouldn't wish to forget her.

But Peeta had always loved her. It wasn't his emotions Snow and Coin manipulated to suit their own needs. The only reason he had ever stopped had been because of the hijacking and even then, she had to reluctantly admit that for some crazy reason, he might still love her anyway.

The question only angers her further. Is this boy stupid? Deaf? What does he not understand about those two words?

So she repeats, with excruciating slowness:] Go. Away.

[Loki can be rather stubborn but he is not stupid or deaf. Of course he has no idea what Katniss is all about. Or what her motivations are for such drastic decisions. Perhaps judging her for it is not the best thing to do right now either.

And he stays quiet for a long time after the second 'go away'.]

Such rituals might take away more than just the memories about the time you had with him. I assume you wish to cling to the general misconception that anyone under a certain age is not able to understand his or hers older peers.

You might forget his face, or his voice, or the way he talks while you wish to forget the joy he brought you, yes?

[The earlier frustration has left Loki's voice completely.]

You can always try to return home. To be reunited with him.

[Because that is what he is going to do. Going home to be reunited with her. And he is not going to tell anyone about this.]

[In the quietness, she almost thinks that he's gone away. That he's found some level of understanding and actually listened to her. At some point in between the other conversations, she glances down at the journal again only to see another response from the boy.

She already begins to scowl even before listening to what he has to say. And when she does finally listen, it's only to roll her eyes. His assumptions are only continuing to irritate.

Prim had taught her better than to ever understand that those younger might not understand. And returning home is still an impossibility. She had tried that already.]

Stop it. [She growls the words, not at all noticing that his own voice lost its frustration.] Stop assuming you know me or my situation. You don't.

[Loki tries to refrain from words like 'stubborn wench' or 'foolish cow' and bites his lower lip really hard to prevent words like that from coming out.

Perhaps it is just better to not bother at all. If she wishes to inflict such things on herself, so be it.]

Personally, from a very personal point of view, I do not exactly wish to get to know you. So there's that. Perhaps it will bring some relief.

But since I am not unfamiliar with your situation and how it feels to be without the one you...are fond of, your plan to tamper with your memory in order to forget him is so utterly dumb that it angers me.

[He takes a deep breath.]

But it is your mind, not mine. I am sure you will find a willing sorcerer who wants to help you with performing such a ritual.

[Oh, and Loki dares to bet the contents of the entire treasury of Asgard that his older self has already been more than willing to come to Katniss' aid.]

[Where Loki might refrain, Katniss has no such control. She's irritated and by now regretting this whole post. Especially when, in truth, she knows view points like Loki's to be correct. But that's not something she would ever, ever say allowed.

Especially right now. All she wants is sympathy or agreement or help. Not a lecture. Especially not from people she barely knows.]

How dumb are you? If you don't wish to get to know me, then leave me alone!

I am afraid the word 'dumb' does not apply to me in this case. This is an argument you are going to lose. Please do not get frustrated because you are losing from someone who is obviously a lot younger than you are and most definitely not dumb.

You know I am right. But your sadness will not allow you to admit I am right. That is how sadness works. It clouds your judgement.

[Loki's voice is flat, not a hint of emotion in it.]

I think the saying 'I told you so' will become apposite to all of this ...eventually.

Idiot.

[It's the one word she manages to mutter through the overwhelming anger she feels. The sheer arrogance of this boy to think that it is a losing argument that has her so irritated. This is the last thing she wants, the last thing she needs after her nightmares. After the past few months.

And so she doesn't wait for a response. With an angry huff, she slams closed the book and hurls it across the room.]

Incredibly dumb wench.

[And Loki leaves it with that. He has the last word, and Loki loves having the last word.]

12th Game [voice/action]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[voice]

[written]