Katniss Everdeen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
Entry tags:
12th Game [voice/action]
[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
[voice]
She already begins to scowl even before listening to what he has to say. And when she does finally listen, it's only to roll her eyes. His assumptions are only continuing to irritate.
Prim had taught her better than to ever understand that those younger might not understand. And returning home is still an impossibility. She had tried that already.]
Stop it. [She growls the words, not at all noticing that his own voice lost its frustration.] Stop assuming you know me or my situation. You don't.
[voice]
Perhaps it is just better to not bother at all. If she wishes to inflict such things on herself, so be it.]
Personally, from a very personal point of view, I do not exactly wish to get to know you. So there's that. Perhaps it will bring some relief.
But since I am not unfamiliar with your situation and how it feels to be without the one you...are fond of, your plan to tamper with your memory in order to forget him is so utterly dumb that it angers me.
[He takes a deep breath.]
But it is your mind, not mine. I am sure you will find a willing sorcerer who wants to help you with performing such a ritual.
[Oh, and Loki dares to bet the contents of the entire treasury of Asgard that his older self has already been more than willing to come to Katniss' aid.]
[voice]
Especially right now. All she wants is sympathy or agreement or help. Not a lecture. Especially not from people she barely knows.]
How dumb are you? If you don't wish to get to know me, then leave me alone!
[voice]
You know I am right. But your sadness will not allow you to admit I am right. That is how sadness works. It clouds your judgement.
[Loki's voice is flat, not a hint of emotion in it.]
I think the saying 'I told you so' will become apposite to all of this ...eventually.
[voice]
[It's the one word she manages to mutter through the overwhelming anger she feels. The sheer arrogance of this boy to think that it is a losing argument that has her so irritated. This is the last thing she wants, the last thing she needs after her nightmares. After the past few months.
And so she doesn't wait for a response. With an angry huff, she slams closed the book and hurls it across the room.]
[written]
[And Loki leaves it with that. He has the last word, and Loki loves having the last word.]