stillplaying | 12th Game [voice/action]

Entry tags:

12th Game [voice/action]

[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]

Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]

I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.

[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[Strictly speaking of Luceti, he has much to say on the subject. Otherwise, back home, he finds it terribly easy to be alone when having no place within human civilizations. Experience has long since taught him that the mere sight of him would provoke terror and violent defensiveness - and his sharp tongue and former affiliation with Lord Dracula only fuel the fire in every wary villager.]

Indeed. I have noticed... that there are several here whom are fiercely opposed to leaving a man... or a woman... [He adds, disinterestedly.] in peace, thinking themselves the answer to a question no one asked. And then have the utter brainlessness to wonder how it is one might find them annoying. If they haven't yet thrust their noses up your backside... they will.

[The imagery inspires a mirthful snort after the fact.]

[She can't help but snort in amusement at his words. It's true. It's very true. And the majority of replies she's faced today just supports that. Some, some she hadn't minded so much. People she had spoken to before. Those willing to offer sensible solutions. A few that came to visit that she actually cared about. But the rest? Especially those that dared to call her stupid?

How damn hard would it have been for them to just mind their own business?]

It's too late for that.

[He chuckles softly, himself.]

My condolences.

[The smile that graces her lips is actually genuine. One of the few smiles that she's been able to give all day. But the comment deserves such. It's rare, she thinks, to meet someone who might actually agree with her on something like this.]

Thanks.

[ooc: because i'm running on slow and stupid tonight -- was that a wrap on the other thread with issac walking away? or did he just turn his back on her?]

[It isn't the smile that pleases him, but that the sentiment is certainty mutual. He had been beginning to think that no one, barring the elf, could share his perspective on any matter. The memory of Zevran is promptly thrust aside as soon as it surfaces.]

Now... if you will excuse me, there are matters more pressing than yourself to attend to. I trust you shan't burst into a fit of tears without me?

They trouble you when you think about them now, don't they?

He is. [And in this Pepper is much more fortunate than Katniss; the pain of a lost love isn't one she's had to endure, though it remains one of her greatest fears.] I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through now. But we were close, even before we were together--and there was a time when he disappeared for three months. So I might have an idea.

[He listens quietly. He too knows the weight of having to watch those around you die. It's never easy. Even after nearly a hundred years of it.]

I'm sorry. I know it's not easy, but for me, for those I've lost, I've always tired to live a good life. In their memory so that they would never be forgotten.

[And that was not an easy way to live. He knows it, but he feels the need to try to give this girl any advice he could think of to keep moving forward.]

It's all I can do for them now. Make sure they're not forgotten and can live on, even if it's just in my memory.

And you're sure? You're sure you can control your heart with such ease?

[Suki has tried and failed, and she sees herself as pretty strong and able to handle herself well.]

Your heart isn't something that can be so easily contained. You think you can just tell it what to do? Tell it to not care for someone, even though you know you love them more than anything? It leads you to traps. It gets hurt. But that doesn't make you weak. What makes you weak is thinking emotions get in your way, that you're better without them. You're not.

[This time, the response is that of a scowl. Burst into tears without him? She didn't even know him! Although she wouldn't admit such aloud, she had actually been enjoying the conversation. It had been a distraction, a welcomed distraction, to the embarrassment of her nightmare and her her desperate plea. He just had to go and ruin it, didn't he?

Rather than responding, she closes the journal. She'll be more than fine without him.]

[She had dealt with Peeta's disappearance before. Although it hadn't really been a disappearance, had it? She had known where he was the entire time. Captured by the Capitol and tortured. That had been before she realized she loved him. Before they were ever really together.

She hadn't handled that very well, either.]

It's not easy.

[The response makes her uncomfortable. It's a little too much like something Dr. Aurelius would say. Too much like something Peeta would have said. They're the sort of words that some part of her knows she ought to be told right now. Ought to acknowledge. But right now, she doesn't really want to hear it.

Because it is so, so much easier said and done. Especially when there's no one to help you through it.]

Maybe.

I've done it before.

[Her voice is hard when she replies, serious and maybe even a little bit angry. She's had others control her emotions. Had the Capitol tell her who to love and who not to love. All for the sake of survival. If she could easily pretend to love Peeta, why couldn't she just as easily chose not love someone? The reasons wouldn't be much different. Her own guaranteed longevity. The lack of pain in a life already filled with too much.]

I've controlled my heart. I've had no choice. I can do it again.

Did you? [She didn't know this girl, nor did she know what this girl had been through. But Suki's bad mood was the driving force in this conversation. Not to mention, someone had to be the devil's advocate.]

You claim control, but now you want to rid yourself of memories of someone. That isn't control. It's only the illusion of control. You can't control your emotions, and you can't control your heart. The only thing you can do is learn.

[A pause.]

Or does that scare you?

That seems a bit heavy on pretense, does it not? Pure is something I would say of a maiden in a shrine. A sister. Someone devoted to Andraste and the maker- a woman such as yourself is simply...discerning in her tastes and open about expressing them.

[He finds what he needs easily enough- grinds what spices she doesn't have from those he carries with him always, starts the stove and begins the slow saute of vegetables in a pan while he seasons the meat.]

Pure is...The girl that reads fortunes in flame, in this village. Pure is a child that has known no suffering. Pure is sacred.

You don't have to agree with me, but it's what helps for me.

Not at all. [Thinking that Tony could’ve been dead, or tortured (as had turned out to be the case)—those three months marked one of the worst times in Pepper’s life. Could she say she’d handled it well herself? Maybe. Although she hadn’t let herself cry until the very end, after Tony had been found. Some people might think that was a poor way of dealing with things, by suppressing them all.]

But people come back, sometimes, and they remember. What if Peeta does, and you’ve forgotten?

[A look other than sorrow or embarrassment finally crosses her features. Annoyance. It feels strange at first as her features twist into a scowl. But it's the good sort of strange. The feeling that maybe things might slowly start to be good again. Eventually. One day.

Her arms cross over her chest.] It sounds better than prude.

[It had been more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything. Not that she realized it yet. A reaction to the nightmares and the sadness that continued to bug her.

But the girl was right. She was under the illusion that she had any control over any of this. Her emotions might have finally been her own to do with as she pleased but the rest of it? Her abilities as an archer? Her position as a game piece for the Malnosso?

She has no control. And that angers her enough to snap back,] I am not afraid.

[That's the same question so many others had been asking her. What if Peeta came back? What if he remembered? It was nearly four months now. She had watched others come and go from Luceti. But never once had she seen him among the new feathers.

She sighed.] He has to come back first.

Well...that is short for something, is it not? Prude is an aberration of 'prudent', yes? It means that you are particular. As I said, discerning in her taste. Only the most deserving of individuals shall have your affections.

I know. And no one can say for certain if he will or if he won’t, or if he’ll remember. [She won’t do Katniss the disservice of trying to sugarcoat it, or making promises she has no way of keeping. The truth is simply that there is no way to know what will happen.] Hoping for the best isn’t easy, and the loneliness you feel seems like it can drown you. But when they do come back—it’s worth it. I honestly believe it’s worth it.

[It's a service she appreciates. Nothing in her life had ever been sugarcoated. Not the Hunger Games or her father's death or even her own odds of survival when she found her reality spinning out of control. To have that start now would be foreign. Would probably anger her and end a conversation going relatively well.

But the conversation halts anyway. At least on Katniss' end. Because she remembers the last time Peeta had come back to her. Hijacked. Courtesy of President Snow.]

It's not always worth it.

But you are! You're scared of your own emotions. If you're truly not scare, then you wouldn't be asking for the easiest way out.

[Her emotions were suddenly getting the better of her. The tears were in her eyes, and her anger could be heard. Of course, Katniss would have no idea that anger was directed toward Sokka.]

And you're not even being fair. Other's have suffered through pain, through heartbreak and moved forward. You're not the only one who has suffered here, and you won't be the last.

[The certainty of Katniss's reply catches Pepper off guard, and there's a longer pause than she means for there to be before she can speak again.]

Did...something happen, before? [A question asked carefully, because Pepper knows there must be a reason for so curt an answer. She doesn't know if Katniss will tell her; considering the nature of their conversation, some of the things discussed, it's possible she won't.

Regardless, there is something else Pepper can add.]

I'm sorry, for whatever's made you feel that way.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 12 of 13

12th Game [voice/action]

video/filtered

video/filtered

video/filtered

video/filtered

video/filtered

[Video]

Re: [voice/locked]

[Voice]

voice;

video/filtered

[voice/locked]

[Voice]

voice;

voice;

[action]

[Voice]

Re: [voice/locked]

[action]

voice;

[voice/locked]

[action]

Re: [voice/locked]

Re: [voice/locked]

voice;

Re: [voice/locked]