Katniss Everdeen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
Entry tags:
12th Game [voice/action]
[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
voice;
[Suki has tried and failed, and she sees herself as pretty strong and able to handle herself well.]
Your heart isn't something that can be so easily contained. You think you can just tell it what to do? Tell it to not care for someone, even though you know you love them more than anything? It leads you to traps. It gets hurt. But that doesn't make you weak. What makes you weak is thinking emotions get in your way, that you're better without them. You're not.
voice;
[Her voice is hard when she replies, serious and maybe even a little bit angry. She's had others control her emotions. Had the Capitol tell her who to love and who not to love. All for the sake of survival. If she could easily pretend to love Peeta, why couldn't she just as easily chose not love someone? The reasons wouldn't be much different. Her own guaranteed longevity. The lack of pain in a life already filled with too much.]
I've controlled my heart. I've had no choice. I can do it again.
voice;
You claim control, but now you want to rid yourself of memories of someone. That isn't control. It's only the illusion of control. You can't control your emotions, and you can't control your heart. The only thing you can do is learn.
[A pause.]
Or does that scare you?
voice;
But the girl was right. She was under the illusion that she had any control over any of this. Her emotions might have finally been her own to do with as she pleased but the rest of it? Her abilities as an archer? Her position as a game piece for the Malnosso?
She has no control. And that angers her enough to snap back,] I am not afraid.
voice;
[Her emotions were suddenly getting the better of her. The tears were in her eyes, and her anger could be heard. Of course, Katniss would have no idea that anger was directed toward Sokka.]
And you're not even being fair. Other's have suffered through pain, through heartbreak and moved forward. You're not the only one who has suffered here, and you won't be the last.
voice;
She can hear the tears in the other girl's voice. And she can hear the anger. It's anger, she thinks for a moment, that isn't all that different from her own. But it's not fair. Not fair at all. She hadn't done anything to deserve the girl's ire.]
At least you had a choice! [The words are out of her mouth before she even realizes it.] Didn't you break up with Sokka?
voice;
She couldn't speak. She was far too angry and couldn't even think of the words to say right now. All she knew was that her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.]
How dare you! [She snapped back.] You have NO idea what went on between Sokka and me. And you have no right to bring up something that's none of your business.
I broke up with Sokka because I thought he loved me, but he didn't. He loved the me from before, something that I can never be. He just lied to me over and over again because he couldn't trust me enough to let me know what we used to be. And now he thinks that sex will just fix everything. I told him no, and he just gave up on us. You think I want to be with someone who apparently only wants to have sex with me? You think I wanted to be treated like an object? Yeah. I broke up with him, but he's not the Sokka I know.