stillplaying | 12th Game [voice/action]

[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]

Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]

I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.

[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]

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He is. [And in this Pepper is much more fortunate than Katniss; the pain of a lost love isn't one she's had to endure, though it remains one of her greatest fears.] I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through now. But we were close, even before we were together--and there was a time when he disappeared for three months. So I might have an idea.

[She had dealt with Peeta's disappearance before. Although it hadn't really been a disappearance, had it? She had known where he was the entire time. Captured by the Capitol and tortured. That had been before she realized she loved him. Before they were ever really together.

She hadn't handled that very well, either.]

It's not easy.

Not at all. [Thinking that Tony could’ve been dead, or tortured (as had turned out to be the case)—those three months marked one of the worst times in Pepper’s life. Could she say she’d handled it well herself? Maybe. Although she hadn’t let herself cry until the very end, after Tony had been found. Some people might think that was a poor way of dealing with things, by suppressing them all.]

But people come back, sometimes, and they remember. What if Peeta does, and you’ve forgotten?

[That's the same question so many others had been asking her. What if Peeta came back? What if he remembered? It was nearly four months now. She had watched others come and go from Luceti. But never once had she seen him among the new feathers.

She sighed.] He has to come back first.

I know. And no one can say for certain if he will or if he won’t, or if he’ll remember. [She won’t do Katniss the disservice of trying to sugarcoat it, or making promises she has no way of keeping. The truth is simply that there is no way to know what will happen.] Hoping for the best isn’t easy, and the loneliness you feel seems like it can drown you. But when they do come back—it’s worth it. I honestly believe it’s worth it.

[It's a service she appreciates. Nothing in her life had ever been sugarcoated. Not the Hunger Games or her father's death or even her own odds of survival when she found her reality spinning out of control. To have that start now would be foreign. Would probably anger her and end a conversation going relatively well.

But the conversation halts anyway. At least on Katniss' end. Because she remembers the last time Peeta had come back to her. Hijacked. Courtesy of President Snow.]

It's not always worth it.

[The certainty of Katniss's reply catches Pepper off guard, and there's a longer pause than she means for there to be before she can speak again.]

Did...something happen, before? [A question asked carefully, because Pepper knows there must be a reason for so curt an answer. She doesn't know if Katniss will tell her; considering the nature of their conversation, some of the things discussed, it's possible she won't.

Regardless, there is something else Pepper can add.]

I'm sorry, for whatever's made you feel that way.

[All the apologies in the world don't make up for the torture Snow inflicted on Peeta. For the hijacking. A part of her will never forgive Haymitch for leaving Peeta in the arena when they had agreed to get him out of there alive. His livelihood was far, far more important than her own. Haymitch had known that. They had all known that.

Though Dr. Aurelius' work with Peeta had shown some progress, she still had worries that he'd never be that boy who had once loved her - the boy that had been here - again.

She stared at the journal for a little while, unsure how to respond. Unsure as how much to respond with. Ultimately, it was easier to retreat back into her shell.]

I don't want to talk about it.

No, that's okay. You don't have to. [Pepper is quick to back off, especially considering the apology doesn't seem to offer Katniss much comfort either. Pepper sighs softly, trying to return the conversation back to its original point.]

Just, really think about it before you do anything, okay? What you'd be losing with your memories.

And, if you ever do decide you want to talk, you can find me. [Katniss may never take her up on it, due to stubbornness or simply having people she's closer to, but it's still better to at least make the offer, Pepper thinks. To try and help the girl believe that she isn't completely alone, even if the one person she wants most isn't there.]

12th Game [voice/action]

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