stillplaying: ([action] in pain)
It's not unusual for nightmares to visit her during her sleep. More often than not, her dreams are reminders of mutts and death and children that never had a chance to live. She doesn't have happy dreams. She doesn't deserve happy dreams. She tried once to explain it to Dr. Aurelius - how she still deserved those dreams that made her awake screaming. But she couldn't find the words. Even now, months later, she has trouble finding those words.

But Peeta understands. Somehow, he's always understood. It's been weeks now, weeks since they've started sharing a bed again. At first, she had been afraid. Afraid that he'd wake up and try to strangle her, completely forgetting what's real and what's not. But as the days passed, that never happened. Instead, he had been there each and every night.

Tonight's no exception.

Though she wakes up screaming, she knows she's not alone. She can feel him stir even as her heart beats rapidly in her chest. It had just been a dream. It had just been a dream. A dream that still feels too real. Watching Peeta die tonight. In that clock arena, Finnick unable to resuscitate him like he had. She chokes back sobs and curls up in a fetal position, tears stinging her eyes.
◾ Tags:
stillplaying: ([surprise] doesn't follow orders)


"What?"
stillplaying: ([neutral] will be brave)
[Twenty.

She doesn't realize it until later in the day. Until she's back from her morning trek in the forest, passing the calendar in the kitchen as she makes her way to stow the skinned and dressed squirrels in the freezer. The calendar's turned to the month of May. And it has been for the past eight days. Today's May 8th. Today, she turns twenty.

That's two decades lived. Four years since she survived the 74th Hunger Games and two since she outlived her sister, found herself trapped in Luceti. She nearly drops the squirrels when the date clicks in her head. She can feel it building within her, the verge of losing everything. Crawling into a corner somewhere within her bedroom - her original bedroom with the forest mural that Peeta once painted - and do absolutely nothing all day. Because it's the same thought ringing through her head that seems to come every birthday:

She never should have lived this long.

But she did. And, somehow, someone or something rewarded her for that. Because she still has Prim here to celebrate with. Prim to have dinner with tonight and to sing and dance with, pretending for the night that she never died. That they never wound up in this place. Even if she doesn't know how long it'll last, today she has Prim to celebrate with.

Living for each day. It's been a long time since she's done that. Instead, she's attempted to shelter herself, hide from anyone that might care.

Taking a deep breath, she finally puts the squirrels in the freezer. Then, she pulls out her journal and flips it open. There's a shy smile on her face as she looks at the camera.]


I'm twenty today. And I think I'd like to celebrate.

What would you recommend?
stillplaying: (Default)
Name: Jenny
DW username: hominidae
E-Mail: pilot.jaina @ gmail.com
IM: enelyasol
Plurk: enelyasol

Other Characters: N/A

Character Name: Katniss Everdeen

Series: The Hunger Games
Timeline: After returning to District 12 in "Mockingjay," a couple of weeks after Peeta's return.
Canon Resource Link: Katniss on the Hunger Games Wiki

Expandmay the odds... )
stillplaying: (Default)
PLAYER INFORMATION
Your Name: Jenny
OOC Journal: [personal profile] hominidae
Under 18? If yes, what is your age?: no
Email + IM: pilot.jaina @ gmail.com + enelyasol
Characters Played at Ataraxion: N/A

CHARACTER INFORMATION
Name: Katniss Everdeen
Canon: The Hunger Games
Original or Alternate Universe: Original
Canon Point: After returning to District 12 in "Mockingjay," a couple of weeks after Peeta's return.
Number: 074 if it's not taken, if not, no preference
Setting: Panem; District 12; The Hunger Games

Expandapplication for ataraxites )
stillplaying: ([sad] sad)
[How long has it been since she last opened the journal not to peer at the other entries but to make one herself? It feels much longer than the couple of months that somehow managed to move by so quickly. Forever, perhaps. And yet, in that short time, so much has changed. People have left. More importantly, people have arrived. Rue, Johanna, Peeta... And none of them have yet disappeared.

Two months of knowing Peeta's so close. A trip across town to his apartment. Walking by the bakery. His memory is no longer a ghost that haunts her. Instead, he's something real. Something entirely too real. Two months and she hasn't yet figured out if she's relieved to have him back. Or if she's more frightened of losing him. There's limits to the filial magic, as she's starting to discover. And those limits worry her. Will she lose him all over again? Lose Prim or Rue or Richard or Teddy?

If there's one thing that hasn't changed in these two months, it's her growing weariness of the disappearances in Luceti. Even Sokka, Sokka who had been here for four or more years, was now gone.

Who was next?

It's a nightmare that wakes her. A nightmare of losing everyone she loves. Watching them die at the hands of lizard mutts, necks ripped out by wild dog-like creatures with the eyes of lost children, others murdered in drafts against the Third Party. She wakes with a start, skin covered in a sheen of sweat, eyes wide and frantic. Her throat is soar from screaming in her sleep and she gasps. When her senses return, she turns on a lamp and reaches for her journal.

She can't lose anyone. Not even to something like returning home. But she takes the coward's way out and she pens her thoughts rather than admit to them aloud:]


There was someone here once who asked if it was possible to bring people here from home. Has anyone ever tried the opposite? Tried to keep people here instead?


action;

[That done, she throws on a leather jacket and boots over her sleeping clothing. She can't go back to sleep. Not right now. And she can't be in here either, not wanting to disturb her housemates any more than she already might have. Her bow is slung over a shoulder with her quiver, just in case.

It's cold out there but she doesn't care. There's something comforting about being alone in the night, no longer surrounded by oppressing walls. The nightmares don't seem so bad now, away from her bed. She can almost pretend things will be okay, regardless of whatever responses she might have to her inquiry when she gets back.]
stillplaying: (Default)



katniss everdeen.
❝here are much worse games to play.❞

FULL NAME: Katniss Everdeen
NICKNAMES: Mockingjay, Girl on Fire, Catnip

DATE OF BIRTH: May 8
CURRENT AGE: 18
SEXUALITY: Heterosexual
OCCUPATION: Hunter
LOCATION: District 12

PARENTS: Mrs. Everdeen, Mr. Everdeen (deceased)
SIBLINGS: Primrose "Prim" Everdeen (deceased)
MARITAL STATUS: Single





permissions.
❝What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction❞



➢ out of character.

➣ Backtagging? Always.

➣ Threadhopping? Anytime unless the thread is marked private.

➣ Comments in subject lines? Fine by me!

➣ Forthwalling? It'll depend. I'd prefer you run it by me first before your character says anything to mine.


➢ in character.

➣ Hugging this character? She might shy away, but you're welcome to try.

➣ Kissing this character? She'll probably shove you away if you try that.

➣ Flirting with this character? Good luck with that one. (Totally ok.)

➣ Fighting with this character? Fine by me!

➣ Punching/attacking this character? So long as you don't mind her fighting back.

➣ Using offensive/defensive powers on this character? Again, so long as you're okay with her retaliating.

➣ Injuring/Killing this character? Injuring is fine by me. Killing would be something I'd want to discuss OOCly first..

➣ Using telepathy/mind reading/empathy on this character? No problem. She might not like you if she finds out, though. If you have any questions, just ask!

-----------------------------------------------------

out of character.
OOC STUFFS OOC STUFFS OOC STUFFS.

NAME: Jenny.
PLURK: [plurk.com profile] enelyasol.
MUSEBOX: TBA.

CURRENT GAMES: [community profile] luceti, [community profile] alteredstates.



 
◾ Tags:
stillplaying: (Default)
Player Information
Name/Alias: Jenny
Personal Journal: hominidae
Email: pilot.jaina @ gmail.com

Character Information
Character Name: Katniss Everdeen
Canon: The Hunger Games

Canon Point: Day of her eighteenth birthday. In my mind, I tend to consider that about two months after Peeta’s returned to District 12 at the end of Mockingjay.

ExpandFire is catching! And if we burn, you burn with us! )
stillplaying: ([anger] i mean it!)
[She's been so busy lately that she hasn't noticed the time fly by. Busy with teaching Foo Foo, busy with hunting and providing for her family, busy helping Richard finish the extra wing to the house before first snow, trying to learn filial magic, busy stealing every spare minute of time with Prim and Teddy and all those others she holds there. She hasn't noticed the time pass. Hadn't realized that it's already November.

It's been a year since Peeta's left. Over a year now. And though she misses him every day, misses him even more when she wakes up on the couch screaming from night terrors, she's... still alive. Found something - someones - else to live for. And maybe that boy who had asked about finding a way to bring others here might actually succeed. Maybe she could bring him back. The boy that loves her. Where everything is actually real.

More than that, though, she's realized what time of year it is again. Has it really been two years, then, since the end of the rebellion? Since losing Prim?

But Prim's no longer lost. She's here. And if Katniss has her way, she'll stay here forever.

It's this realization that makes her more reluctant to leave that morning. But she has responsibilities. Things she has to do. Including teaching that stupid sabertooth moose lion how to actually hunt his own food rather than snatching her squirrels from her bag. Foo Foo has, at least, grown incredibly skillful at that. So at some point mid-morning, Katniss makes her way to House 56 to pick up the beast and continue their way in the Eastern Forest.

Once again, her hunt with Foo Foo isn't nearly as successful as her hunts alone. She loses more squirrels to him than she manages to retain. And when she finally spots a rabbit - perfect for tonight's dinner, perfect to make one of Prim's favorite stews - he lumbers in the way of her shot. Frightened, it runs into the bushes. Annoyed, Katniss lets her arrow fly into the trees.

Some seconds later, she pulls out her journal. With the video feed on, she focuses on Foo Foo.]


How is anyone supposed to teach something this stupid to do anything?

[She doesn't even feel remotely guilty when the young animal looks up from his interest in the rabbit-clad bushes and gives her a goofy, happy grin. It seems one enjoys these outings more than the other.]

Dumb mutt.



[Sometime later in the afternoon, she's back in the town. Having to pick up food is becoming more and more an uncomfortably common task on the days she tries to train Foo Foo. But this week more than ever, the week of her sister's death, she feels the need to spoil her. To go to the items shop and find little gifts that might make her happy. Or pick up fresh bread at the bakery and sweets at the grocery.

Anything for Prim. Anything.]
stillplaying: ([sad] self-loathing)
[It had almost come as a relief when the droids had appeared on her doorstep the day after the shift ended. She hadn't wanted to see Prim. Prim, that darling sister that meant the world to her. The girl that she would have died for. Nearly had on multiple times. Prim, who she had forgotten all about during the shift. It hadn't ever been that bad when Peeta had been here. The Malnosso had been kind in that regard, always let them know each other in some form. Would it have been so much to ask to keep Prim her sister regardless?

Apparently.

It would be easy to say she deserved that. Deserved to experience love again - real love like she had had with Peeta - only to discover that it had been as imaginary as her last relationship. Jim didn't love her. She didn't love him. The whole idea of an engagement had been a lie. Everything had been fake. Nothing real. Maybe, maybe under other circumstances, it would have been easier to accept. If matters hadn't ended with Sokka the way they had, if those wounds hadn't still been so raw, maybe...

There had been no argument when the droids appeared. Going meant avoiding those encounters. Meant not admitting she had forgotten her sister or an awkward discussion with Jim. It meant maybe trying to find Effie, make certain that she was alright. It was the closest thing short to going on a mission that she could get to leaving Luceti.

Prim would be alright. She'd have Richard and Teddy. People who hadn't forgotten her the way Katniss had.

But time with the Malnosso came to an end all too soon. And as she stared at the familiar walls of the painted room, the trees of her beloved forests outside of District 12, she felt almost tempted to run away. Go on one of those missions. Not have to see anyone here. Pick up the pieces of the mess she had made her life before the last shift. Or the mess that had come as a result.

She had never been good at running away though. Not even when they should have before the Quarter Quell, before Panem went insane. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn.

Sighing, Katniss picked up the journal and turned on the device. She brushed a stray strand from the braid out of her face and quirked her lips a little to the right. It would be better this way, announcing her return through the journal rather than being brave enough to seek them out.]


For anyone who might care, I'm back.

[Dare she even ask what more she might have missed?]
◾ Tags:
stillplaying: ([neutral] the mockingjay)
ExpandShe's spent the last week hiding... )

Effie's last post remained fresh in her mind as she turned on the video recorder in the journal. Her hair was neatly braided in its custom side braid. The mockingjay pin pinned high on the chest of one of her nicer blouses, displayed where everyone could see it. She stared resolutely at the camera for a minute before she nodded.]


Today, back in my home of Panem, would have been the first time in seventy-six years that a reaping of contestants for the annual Hunger Games would not have occurred. As many of you know by now, every year, on this day, the names of two children from each district - a boy and a girl between the years of twelve to eighteen years of age - would be selected to fight to the death in an arena days later. The Hunger Games served as entertainment to those who lived in the Capitol. People like Effie Trinket who didn't know better. An honor to those in the richer Districts, the ones favored by the Capitol. For the rest of us, it was a punishment, a reminder of the cost that came with rising up against our government.

[She took a deep breath, lips pursed together for a quick second as she remembered. She spoke without thinking. Determined, she only realized later, to take the heat off of Effie for her suggestion of games here in Luceti. Her mockingjay wings twitched behind her. But once she started speaking again, the words tumbled out. She held her gaze steady, grey eyes showing all the emotion her stoic expression hid.]

Many of you were angry when Effie suggested the idea of gladiatorial-like games here in our prison. But Effie was only acting like everyone else here, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. Looking for something that would make her feel more at home. Just like the rest of us. You have no right, no right at all, to judge her for that. You don't know our world. You don't know what it could be like.

The 75th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, were the last official games held by President Snow and the Gamemakers. But they weren't the last Hunger Games. Because after the second uprising ended, after we won, the surviving victors of previous Games met. There were only seven of us left. Me and Peeta. Our mentor, Haymitch. Johanna, Enobaria, Beetee, Annie. We were given a choice by President Coin - the new leader of Panem, the leader I executed in revenge for my sister's death. One last Hunger Games, this one played by twenty four children directly related to those who held the most power in Panem.

I think the way the vote fell was obvious. Peeta and Beetee and Annie voted no. The better of us. Johanna and Enobaria voted yes. And Haymitch and I? We had the last votes. But he's as unlikable, as bitter as I am. I suspected how he'd vote. And I voted to kill those Capitol children anyway.

I am not a good person. Maybe... maybe I thought I could change. Maybe I thought I could put all this behind me. The Captiol, the Hunger Games, Peeta... But girls like me don't deserve to be happy. They don't deserved to be liked. Or loved.

So do yourselves all a favor and think before you make a judgement about someone. Because as wrong as you are about Effie? You're just as wrong about me.
stillplaying: ([happy] hint of a smile)
[Action]

ExpandWithin House 43... )



Later that day, Katniss could be found going about her regular daily schedule. Spending time hunting in the woods, guitar lessons at Cloud Nine, browsing the various shops. The recent event reminded her that Prim was relatively undefended here, a situation that needed to be corrected. Even a small knife, anything to give her sister the advantage if Katniss wasn't around to protect her. Food for the party was also a necessity. As well as any remaining decorations.

It wasn't until later that night that she finally opened up her journal. But rather than being at home, she's made herself comfortable in one of the newfeather watch towers, where she had been stashing most of the party supplies prior to the possessions. She opened the journal and made certain to key in a quick filter before recording:]


[Video - filtered away from Primrose Everdeen]

I wasn't exactly myself when I cancelled Prim's birthday last week. But I want to make it up to her. She deserves this party. More than anyone I know. She's fourteen now and... [She had to pause for a moment, force a smile on her face and block all memories of her sister burning to death from her mind.] She's never had a real party before.

So, this Saturday. At House 43. 5 P.M. You don't have to bring any kind of gift. It's not necessary. It's enough to have people there. To have the sort of celebration she never had back in District 12. If you know me, or you know Prim, I'd like you to come.

[She realized that she was taking a big risk saying that. And it did make her uncomfortable, the thought of so many people in her living space. But a party was supposed to have people in it, isn't it? A lot of people. And the more there, the more that want to celebrate the life Prim should have had, the better. Prim deserved the world.]

Rapunzel? Would you still be willing to make that cake? Teddy, will you still help with music? [Katniss paused, tilting her head thoughtfully and biting her lip. Was there anything else that she was missing? What else was necessary for planning a party? She already felt as if she owed so many people so much. She hated accumulating more debt. But for Prim, it was worth it/] And Aang, would you mind helping to decor-

I need someone to distract Prim that day, too.
stillplaying: ([happy] just a girl)
[Nineteen.

Once upon a time, she had never thought that she'd live to see this day. When she had volunteered to take Prim's place in the 74th Hunger Games, she had figured herself already dead. That sixteen would be the last birthday she ever saw. But instead, her sister would get to live to see many more. To see thirteen and fourteen, fifteen, sixteen and on. The idea had been to die so Prim could live.

She hadn't counted on winning. Nor had she counted on breaking the rules in the process, lighting a spark that led to a fire catching around the Districts of Panem. She hadn't counted on a lot.

Like awaking on her birthday on a cramped couch in her living room, not in District 12 but in another world. A world that Prim was now in, could now be the first to wish her a happy birthday as she had every other year prior. And so she remained snuggled up in the blanket despite the urge to go hunt. First breakfast with Prim. Everything else could come later.

The rest of the day was spent as she would a normal Wednesday. She hadn't told anyone about the meaning of the day. And remained in the dark about the post Prim had made on the journal. The more important part - breakfast with Prim - had already passed.

Instead, she could be found in the forest until it's time for guitar lessons with Teddy at Cloud Nine. She does go home at some point before heading to various shops around town, looking for any kind of decorations or gifts suitable for the party she still planned on throwing for Prim.

There were far, far worse days to spend a birthday.]
stillplaying: ([happy] delighted)
[There's a bashful look on her face when she opens the journal. It's been a whole day now, a whole day since she returned from her kidnapping. Since she had discovered Prim had arrived in her absence, since she had gotten to once again spend the whole day and night in the company of her sister. It had been amazing. A dream that she had never thought possible. Prim was dead and yet... yet, for whatever reason, she had been brought here.

Perhaps she should have alerted those outside of her household that she had returned. But all she had wanted for that one day was to spend it alongside Prim. To tell her everything that had happened in the months - year - following her death. To tell her about Commander Paylor and the new government of Panem. To tell her of all those she had met here, of Peeta and Richard, Teddy and Sokka and Zevran and Rapunzel. It had been the wee hours of the night by the time she had gone to bed.

But sometime in the mid-morning, she remembers promises she had made. To the man who had helped her in learning how to get her voice back. To the boy who was now suffering from a death penalty of his own. She had promised them both a song. And it seems now like such a small price to pay to gaining not one, but two, important parts of her life back.

She ducks her head for a second, fingers playing with the buttons and beads on the handmade necklace Sokka made her. And then she clears her throat and begins to sing with a voice that, as Peeta once claimed, would silence the birds:]


ExpandHigh on a Mountain )

[When she's done singing, she smiles sheepishly and shrugs.] I promised a song to a few people. I hope you enjoyed it.

[She opens her mouth a second later to say something more. And then she pauses and, for once, actually takes the time to construct a filter. To make certain that Prim cannot see what follows. Because even though Katniss' own birthday is only a few days away, she's not thinking of that day very much. It pales in comparison to a much more important day approaching at the end of the month.]

Does anyone have much experience throwing birthday parties? My sister - Prim - she's here now. And her birthday's in a few weeks. We could never afford a proper celebration growing up. I'd like to give her that. Give her everything that she couldn't have back home. [She frowns for a moment, brow wrinkling in thought.] I also need to build an addition to my house. Where'd I go about getting the material for that?


[ooc: for those interested in what the song might sound like. though this isn't exactly how i picture katniss' voice. nor does she have musical accompaniment in this post.]
stillplaying: ([confusion] embarrassed)
PLAYER
» Journal:
stillplaying
» Birthdate/Age: October 1985 (27)
» Characters Played: N/A

CHARACTER FACTS
» Name:
Katniss Everdeen
» Canon: The Hunger Games (book)
» Reference: http://thehungergames.wikia.com/wiki/Katniss_Everdeen

» Canon Point: Day of her eighteenth birthday. In my mind, I tend to consider that about two months after Peeta’s returned to District 12 at the end of Mockingjay.

» Gender: Female.
» Age: 18

ExpandMay the odds be... )
◾ Tags:
stillplaying: ([serious] desperate)
[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]


Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]


I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.


[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
stillplaying: ([fear] hesitant)
[She had watched them arrive, hope getting the better of her every time she had heard of the arrival of a new feather. Every morning she awoke and reached for the journal. Checked it multiple times a day. And, of course, before she went to sleep at night. Before hunting, before cooking, before any responsibility that she had, she looked. Looked and hoped.

But it was to no avail. Peeta didn't return. Neither did Rue or Haymitch. And no new familiar face from home graced the journal's pages.

With the exception of Cato and Clove - dead tributes who tried to kill her once, who still haunted her nightmares at night, who were now reluctant allies - she was alone. There was no one else from Panem here. No one else who knew what it was like to grow up in a district, to know of Hunger Games and Hollow Days.

Instead, it had been holidays. Celebrations and unexpected gifts. So many gifts, more than she expected. It had made her flustered, given Katniss more reason to keep to herself for the days (make that nearly the weeks) that followed. There had been contact here and there but for the most part, she had felt better alone. Or as alone as she could be with Buttercup still refusing to leave her company.

But the solitude could only last so long. Peeta's not here. There had been no bittersweet reunions for her this time around. But she wasn't alone. She didn't understand it, but there were people here who liked her. Maybe she still didn't understand. Maybe she'd never understand the effect Peeta claimed she could have.

Her grin is a little crooked and a lot bittersweet when she turns on the video feed. She sits on her couch, a snow frosted window behind her. With this heavy snow falling, it's impossible to hunt. She's grown restless. And, yes, lonely. But where to start. That's the hard part. And the grin fades as she thinks, as she once again loses herself in thoughts rather than focus on the present.

But, finally, she does speak.]


Does anyone know how to work the battle dome? I can't hunt. While it snows like this. [It's awkward, strange to admit to her restlessness, her inability to do the one activity that helps her cope. Strange, more so, to willingly ask for help. Someday, somehow, she'll accidentally owe a debt here she can't repay.] And I can't use the targets outside of the smith shop.

I have my own bow. [Two now, though she's still not certain if she's grateful for the arrival of the Mockingjay bow.] And arrows. I just need the targets to practice with.

[She hesitates. There's something else she should add. So many debts. Too many. Maybe it's time to start repaying. There's not much she can do well, but that she can, she can do very, very well.]

I'll teach you how to shoot in return. I'll teach anyone who wants to learn to defend themselves against the Malnosso.
stillplaying: ([fear] hesitant)
[Expandcut for introspection and mention of suicide )

When she awakes, she finally remembers the journal she had brought back from the forest with her. She flips open the pages until she finds the little video screen and begins to record:]


Where I come from, we had Games. The annual Hunger Games, where every year a boy and a girl were chosen as Tributes to represent their District in a fight to the death. There would only be one winner, one survivor who would be crowned Victor and be honored by the Capitol. President Snow's way of giving the Districts a spark of hope, of showing the kindness that the Capitol was capable of even as they took our children away year after year to die while we were forced to watch and celebrate.

I was sixteen the year of the 74th Hunger Games. My sister, Prim, was twelve. It was her first year in the Reaping. Unlike me, her name had only been submitted once. She was never supposed to be chosen for the Games. But she was. I went in her place. I went and lit an entirely different spark. A spark of rebellion. That year, there were two Victors. I couldn't let Peeta die. He loved me, even then. Me? I was just playing a game. But I refused to carry the guilt of killing this boy.

The spark of rebellion grew into an inferno. The girl who was on fire lit the whole country ablaze. There are no more Hunger Games in Panem. Because I had been selfish. Because I didn't want Peeta's death on my conscience. Peeta was just... good. A good boy who refused to be changed by their Games. Who only wanted to die as himself. If anyone deserved to live, it was him.

He's gone back to Panem now. Lived, but at a great cost. He'll be tortured because of me. Hijacked. Given false memories and sent back to try and kill me. It doesn't work. Because it took a pack of wild dogs to accomplish what tributes and soldiers and even presidents could not do. I... I froze. At the memory of dog-like muttations with children's eyes ripping a boy to pieces while I watched and waited for his death to come in the night. It never did. Not until I took my last arrow, cost Peeta his leg, and sent it flying into the other boy's brain.

I'm only really good at a few things. Singing, surviving. Killing. And now it seems like I'm only really good at that last one. I can't sing anymore. I've tried since coming back but I can't. I can't and I don't know why.

[She takes a deep breath. The girl on the camera doesn't look all that upset. Confused mostly. Very confused. There's a crease between her brows, grey eyes lost in contemplation. This is a lot, the most she's spoken since arriving here. Perhaps the most she's spoken since filming one of District 13's propos. But the Mockingjay refuses to lose her voice again. There are stories that have to be told, that need to be remembered.

She thinks Peeta would be proud of her. Dr. Aurelian, too.]


I guess the point of all this is that this week, I came back to life. I died, but it didn't last. And - and I'm sorry if I worried anyone. I know what it's like to lose the people you love. A year ago, this week, despite everything I did to protect her, Prim died.