stillplaying | 17th Game [video]

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17th Game [video]

[It had almost come as a relief when the droids had appeared on her doorstep the day after the shift ended. She hadn't wanted to see Prim. Prim, that darling sister that meant the world to her. The girl that she would have died for. Nearly had on multiple times. Prim, who she had forgotten all about during the shift. It hadn't ever been that bad when Peeta had been here. The Malnosso had been kind in that regard, always let them know each other in some form. Would it have been so much to ask to keep Prim her sister regardless?

Apparently.

It would be easy to say she deserved that. Deserved to experience love again - real love like she had had with Peeta - only to discover that it had been as imaginary as her last relationship. Jim didn't love her. She didn't love him. The whole idea of an engagement had been a lie. Everything had been fake. Nothing real. Maybe, maybe under other circumstances, it would have been easier to accept. If matters hadn't ended with Sokka the way they had, if those wounds hadn't still been so raw, maybe...

There had been no argument when the droids appeared. Going meant avoiding those encounters. Meant not admitting she had forgotten her sister or an awkward discussion with Jim. It meant maybe trying to find Effie, make certain that she was alright. It was the closest thing short to going on a mission that she could get to leaving Luceti.

Prim would be alright. She'd have Richard and Teddy. People who hadn't forgotten her the way Katniss had.

But time with the Malnosso came to an end all too soon. And as she stared at the familiar walls of the painted room, the trees of her beloved forests outside of District 12, she felt almost tempted to run away. Go on one of those missions. Not have to see anyone here. Pick up the pieces of the mess she had made her life before the last shift. Or the mess that had come as a result.

She had never been good at running away though. Not even when they should have before the Quarter Quell, before Panem went insane. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn.

Sighing, Katniss picked up the journal and turned on the device. She brushed a stray strand from the braid out of her face and quirked her lips a little to the right. It would be better this way, announcing her return through the journal rather than being brave enough to seek them out.]

For anyone who might care, I'm back.

[Dare she even ask what more she might have missed?]

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[He's opening up about his own life. Things Katniss doesn't know. Things, she supposes, are not at all like what his life had been in the shift. Normally, they're too busy arguing. Too busy accusing one another of different things. Not opening up. Not sharing.

She quietly considers everything he has to say. No, he's not attempting to pass judgement. And while she can't say she understands everything, how he might become a creature of malice, she accepts his words for what they are. A truth in his own eyes. Something, she thinks, that she can understand.

How often has she told others that she's not a good person? Believed that regardless of what others might say?]

I know.

[Loki sits back in his seat, frowning a little.]

Happiness is a difficult subject.

[The frown only grows deeper, emphasizing that it is indeed quite a difficult thing. He thinks about what it means to him, what defines his happiness. Is he truly happy?]

But I remember I have been happy when I led this artificial life. The emphasis on ranks and classes dit not bother me that much. There has been a home and a father and I had friends at the Midgardian learning facility.

I think that defines my happiness, you see?

[Another important part of his happiness is to have certainty about his future as a god of mischief and lies. And how evil he would, or would not, become. But that is something he rather keeps to himself.]

To belong. Loneliness is totally boring.

[And painful.]

[It is a difficult subject. So much easier to remain content than attempt to seek out any kind of true happiness. Happiness is just too difficult. To find and to maintain. But contentedness? Being okay with the world around her? She had been doing that for years.

For Katniss, it wasn't just a matter of belonging. She had always been more of the loner, happier with one or two other people rather than in a big group. Madge had been a good friend, understanding her need for silent companionship rather than filling up the space with too many words. Gale, too. She had them, she had had her sister. That had been enough.

She didn't need to belong, not like Loki did. She didn't really know what she needed. But his words brought a small smile to her face regardless.]

Is that why you asked me here?

[Because he had been a part of her family during that shift. And she had cared for him as much as she had cared for his "father".]

Aye.

[Loki notices the small smile on her face and smiles back as well. He is sincere about this, he wishes to clear this up. For himself. But also for her. She had been caring and he has been a brat, always afraid that she would take his father away and he'd end up alone.

He is not good with losing people and he notices that it is something that starts to trouble him more and more. The more friends he loses, the more memories that change...he would not be able to cope with it eventually.]

To belong...and to never be alone.

[She wishes it could be that simple. For all of them. That those they love wouldn't leave. That Peeta would be back here. That she'd never have to worry about losing Prim. Or losing Richard.

But it's not like that. The odds aren't in their favor. Not here. Not so long as they remain pawns of the Malnosso, of this world.]

I understand.

[Loki tries to keep things as simple as possible for himself even though he knows things have stopped being simple ages ago. He misses his bff Leah and sometimes he misses Ben as well. Clint seems to have gone. One day he had to say goodbye to Saori or Billy.

He sighs a little, shoulders slumping as he does.]

That is why goodbyes are hard.

[A sigh.]

I rather wish not to say goodbye to more friends.

[And that she understands more than anything. Peeta, someday maybe, she'll get to see again. If she ever returns home. He won't be the same boy he was here. The boy before the hijacking, the boy who still loved her heart and soul. But he'll be alive. They'll have a chance, maybe, to grow back together.

It's not the end.

But Richard? Prim? If either of them leave, will she ever have a chance to see her again? Prim's dead in her world. Richard from another all together. It hurts, every time she thinks of it. Every night.

Katniss swallows hard and looks away. She more than understands this thought.]

Me too.

[Loki is silent for a long time, thinking about the friends he wishes to never lose. He notices Katniss’ response in the way she turns away from him. He also realizes that this is not a moment for witty banter or a smart remark.

So he shifts a little and reaches out, his hand patting Katniss’ briefly.]

I cannot tell you it will be well because that would be a lie. But, perhaps it helps that this is a sentiment we both share. And all we can do is hope for the best.

[She only flinches a little, the contact catching her a bit by surprise. It's a bit different with people she knows. She doesn't mind it so much then, gestures of comfort. Receiving or returning. But when it's someone she still considers little better than a stranger, she can't help being just a little uncomfortable.

But she does her best to soften the reaction with a small grin. And nods. Even if she prefers working towards the best rather than just hoping. Hope hasn't gotten her anywhere in life.]

We're not alone.

[The second he notices the flinch he pulls back again, an apologetic look on his face.]

We are not.

[He nods slowly even though there are times he feels terribly alone. Even with all the friends in the world and all the comfort that surrounds him, sometimes Luceti is just not Asgardia. And it is odd he has such feelings, he knows that. Because there is no welcoming committee waiting for him there, perhaps sticks and stones. And his brother is not there, Volstagg will be there pointing out the amount of dung Thor's goats have produced while he was away. And Leah blasting him to kingdom come for leaving her in the Great Dirty Hole for too long.

Loki misses the certainty he had there. The knowledge that he had to change, the goals he set out...]

But when you realize that you have obtained all the things you wish...it is hard to lose them again.

[He glances at his empty mug and contemplates to go for a second one.]

[It's impossibly hard. And she lives every day with that fear. Every day that her sister will be taken from her once again. Not have that life she deserves, not get to grow old. And Katniss will be utterly helpless to stop it all.

It's far from an easy way to live. But she hasn't figured out an alternative yet.

She doubts most of the time that she ever will.]

It doesn't stop.

[There couldn’t be a truer truth than that. It doesn’t stop. It is a constant matter of someone leaving, coping with it and going on. And frankly, Loki is reaching a certain limit when it comes to that. And he is scared because he is reaching a limit. It is nothing that he can help or avoid.]

It doesn’t.

[He shakes his head.]

It is selfish to desire them around you non-stop. Or to force them to be around you.

[Loki huffs softly, incredibly troubled by everything.]

But I find myself plagued with these thoughts...

[He's not alone with that. She's been constantly plagued with those thoughts day in and day out. While Peeta was here. Since Prim's arrival. She knows she should be grateful for the chance to see her sister again. But she still waits for the day she wakes up to find Prim gone. It's bound to happen eventually. Only a matter of time.

And it hurts. Every time she sees her sister and knows that she won't have any other life outside of here, it hurts. Every single time.

She hates this though. Hates bonding with others and opening up, discussing deep sort of things. It makes her uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.]

Yeah.

[Loki watches her, expecting an answer, a story she could share but alas, all he gets is a ‘yeah’. That is a bit disappointing and he deflates a little.]

Yeah.

[He pulls his knees up and taps on the table.]

This is an uncomfortable conversation.

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17th Game [video]

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