stillplaying | 17th Game [video]

[It had almost come as a relief when the droids had appeared on her doorstep the day after the shift ended. She hadn't wanted to see Prim. Prim, that darling sister that meant the world to her. The girl that she would have died for. Nearly had on multiple times. Prim, who she had forgotten all about during the shift. It hadn't ever been that bad when Peeta had been here. The Malnosso had been kind in that regard, always let them know each other in some form. Would it have been so much to ask to keep Prim her sister regardless?

Apparently.

It would be easy to say she deserved that. Deserved to experience love again - real love like she had had with Peeta - only to discover that it had been as imaginary as her last relationship. Jim didn't love her. She didn't love him. The whole idea of an engagement had been a lie. Everything had been fake. Nothing real. Maybe, maybe under other circumstances, it would have been easier to accept. If matters hadn't ended with Sokka the way they had, if those wounds hadn't still been so raw, maybe...

There had been no argument when the droids appeared. Going meant avoiding those encounters. Meant not admitting she had forgotten her sister or an awkward discussion with Jim. It meant maybe trying to find Effie, make certain that she was alright. It was the closest thing short to going on a mission that she could get to leaving Luceti.

Prim would be alright. She'd have Richard and Teddy. People who hadn't forgotten her the way Katniss had.

But time with the Malnosso came to an end all too soon. And as she stared at the familiar walls of the painted room, the trees of her beloved forests outside of District 12, she felt almost tempted to run away. Go on one of those missions. Not have to see anyone here. Pick up the pieces of the mess she had made her life before the last shift. Or the mess that had come as a result.

She had never been good at running away though. Not even when they should have before the Quarter Quell, before Panem went insane. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn.

Sighing, Katniss picked up the journal and turned on the device. She brushed a stray strand from the braid out of her face and quirked her lips a little to the right. It would be better this way, announcing her return through the journal rather than being brave enough to seek them out.]

For anyone who might care, I'm back.

[Dare she even ask what more she might have missed?]

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[Being taken is always messy. And after everything that had happened with the last shift...

Well, Clove leaves her regards as a simple -- but strangely sincere -- question:]

You okay?

[It's the sincerity that makes her pause, makes her consider that there's more to the question than the simple two words. They had been sisters this time, something much more significant than the childhood friends the Malnosso had previously set upon them. Memories, vague and almost dreamlike, still make her wonder. What would it have been like if the Panem they grew up in hadn't been the Panem they knew?

Would they have been so close were life circumstances different?

Maybe. Not that she deserves such friendships. Not after all the hell she's put other friends through. Still,]

I survived.

It's all we can do.

[Because that's all that happens. It's all that people like them can do. They have to keep going, prove that nothing can stop them. They lived the Hunger Games -- Katniss survived it.

But, well... This isn't the Hunger Games, and that means everything has changed.]

[There really wasn't much more to that, was there? Not then, not during the Games. And certainly not now, not when Luceti was one giant game itself. She still waited, each and every day, for that moment when the rules would change. And she'd find out that those friendships she had built here, the family she had found, were her competitors. That once again, this arena was meant as nothing but a place to contain a blood bath.

At the very least, there was someone else here who understood. Rue had come and gone. So had Peeta. But Clove was still here.]

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm okay.

[She's still waiting for the same day as Katniss. The day that her knives have to come out against everyone she's started to like. The day she and Cato are fighting for their lives again. Or set against one another with only one of them able to survive.

Which makes what she's doing stupid, but... When is she going to get the chance again?]

It's always... weird. When they mess with memories like that.

[She nods even though the journal isn't recording video. It is always weird. Weird and disconcerting. Like the hijacking Peeta went through. And the more she experiences it, the more she understands just how hard it had been for Peeta. Just how difficult to distinguish between real and not real. These memories, the memories from the experiments, might not be as strong as the memories implanted in Peeta. But they confused her still. Made her pause and think things over when she really didn't want to do.

Admit things that she might not otherwise say.]

When we were in District 2 during the uprising, after Peeta was hijacked, we came up with a game. Real or not real. He'd give us a memory and we'd fill in the blanks. It's... not really so different now, is it? Having to play that game here.

It's not. It's... strange, though. Because the feelings of it get all mixed up.

[Katniss knows. Clove doesn't even need to ask if her meaning's clear. How much is the Malnosso causing? How much is already there? It's a question every one of these "shifts" brings back up. Things aren't like they were in the Games. Clove almost misses that simplicity. Where it was simply kill or be killed. Live to see just one more day. There was no time for complicated emotions. You did what you had to do when you had to do it.]

[She knows exactly what Clove means. She had already had those feelings for Peeta when the Malnosso had paired them as husband and wife. Little had changed in regards to that, then and now. Except, eventually, she had learned how to acknowledge them in reality. To accept them as real and act on them.

But this last shift is a different matter all together. She hadn't had feelings for Jim beforehand. And now? She hated these memories. The not real memories of a life she'd never have.]

If I could, I'd kill them for inflicting this on us.

I know. The person responsible for the last one is dead, at least.

[But he'd come back. Like everyone did when they died here. At least, that was her understanding.]

You might have been gone for that. The Malnosso weren't responsible for the last thing. It was someone else. Someone after us to get to them.

[There's a brief feeling of satisfaction in hearing that. But it doesn't last. Why should it? Death isn't permanent here. There's no lesson learned, no real punishment for the hijackings he caused. The unwanted memories that now appear in her dreams at times. Of being loved, of being part of a family again.]

So he'll be free when he comes back? The Malnosso won't even have him captured?

I don't know. They might be able to find him. I don't know if he has the tattoo like we do.

[Because if the Malnosso wanted those scanned on enemies, they had to do something, right?]

[She wants to say how unfair that is. That he might not have one of those tattoos, might not be kept a watch on the way that they were. And that man had taken advantage of that. Had used the Malnosso' prisoners for... for what?

She still didn't know. If he wasn't one of the Malnosso that kept them in Luceti, then what was he doing conducing the same sort of experiments?

But there was no use in stating the obvious.]

Have they offered up a mission to do so?

Not yet.

Going if they do? [Clove gets it. Way too much. She might have thrown her lot in (repeatedly) with the Malnosso, but this guy... He's fair game, isn't he?]

Yes.

[She had never willingly volunteered for a mission before. If Peeta had stayed longer, perhaps she would have. Because nothing could stop Peeta from wanting to help where he could. And after that circus mission, she had grown quickly sick of waiting for him to return in one piece. Not knowing if he would or not. But this? This would be one mission she would be happy to volunteer for.]

Well, if they give us the chance, then: we'll go together.

[She didn't mind the world that was created, but it was still manufactured. And done so to make her weak, to take away the strong drive trained into her to survive. She had been terrified like that, unaware just how capable she was of protecting herself. That feeling of helplessness was not one she ever wanted again.]

[Once, she wouldn't have ever trusted Clove to have her back. Would have considered herself absolutely insane for even entertaining the thought.

Once.

But once, she wouldn't have been willing to serve the Malnosso in any manner, either. Amazing, really, how much things could change.]

Deal.

17th Game [video]

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