stillplaying | 16th Game [video]

[She's spent the last week hiding. Skipped guitar lessons with Teddy and archery lessons with Henry, barely showed her face in public. Most of her time was spent in the far reaches of the woods away from any areas she knew Sokka might hunt. When she could bother going on her forays. But in the past week, they hadn't felt quite the same. She hadn't been able to lose herself in the hunt as she normally did. Not when there was a fear in her belly that she might see him.

At least Gale had been smart. He'd put that space between them by moving to District 4. This town was too small. It lacked that space she had had in Panem. And because they had been so damn open about their relationship at Prim's party... People knew. So many people knew.

If there was one thing that Katniss couldn't stand, it was humiliation. She didn't want to see their pitying looks. Hear their echoed apologies. She had already had to go through that once. When she had lost Peeta, when her heart had truly broken. This? This didn't hurt as much. No, it was the mortification and the self-disgust that really bothered her now. At least she hadn't been so stupid as letting herself fall in love. But if it had gone on longer? If he hadn't had his death penalty removed, would she have?

Better to have them all hate her, despise her, than pity her. At least that she knew how to deal with, felt as if she could accept. Because they'd be right not to like her. All of them would be right. This likable girl her friends thought she was? That was a lie, only a part of whatever charisma it was she held over others. And today? Today seemed like the perfect day to do just that.

Effie's last post remained fresh in her mind as she turned on the video recorder in the journal. Her hair was neatly braided in its custom side braid. The mockingjay pin pinned high on the chest of one of her nicer blouses, displayed where everyone could see it. She stared resolutely at the camera for a minute before she nodded.]

Today, back in my home of Panem, would have been the first time in seventy-six years that a reaping of contestants for the annual Hunger Games would not have occurred. As many of you know by now, every year, on this day, the names of two children from each district - a boy and a girl between the years of twelve to eighteen years of age - would be selected to fight to the death in an arena days later. The Hunger Games served as entertainment to those who lived in the Capitol. People like Effie Trinket who didn't know better. An honor to those in the richer Districts, the ones favored by the Capitol. For the rest of us, it was a punishment, a reminder of the cost that came with rising up against our government.

[She took a deep breath, lips pursed together for a quick second as she remembered. She spoke without thinking. Determined, she only realized later, to take the heat off of Effie for her suggestion of games here in Luceti. Her mockingjay wings twitched behind her. But once she started speaking again, the words tumbled out. She held her gaze steady, grey eyes showing all the emotion her stoic expression hid.]

Many of you were angry when Effie suggested the idea of gladiatorial-like games here in our prison. But Effie was only acting like everyone else here, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. Looking for something that would make her feel more at home. Just like the rest of us. You have no right, no right at all, to judge her for that. You don't know our world. You don't know what it could be like.

The 75th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, were the last official games held by President Snow and the Gamemakers. But they weren't the last Hunger Games. Because after the second uprising ended, after we won, the surviving victors of previous Games met. There were only seven of us left. Me and Peeta. Our mentor, Haymitch. Johanna, Enobaria, Beetee, Annie. We were given a choice by President Coin - the new leader of Panem, the leader I executed in revenge for my sister's death. One last Hunger Games, this one played by twenty four children directly related to those who held the most power in Panem.

I think the way the vote fell was obvious. Peeta and Beetee and Annie voted no. The better of us. Johanna and Enobaria voted yes. And Haymitch and I? We had the last votes. But he's as unlikable, as bitter as I am. I suspected how he'd vote. And I voted to kill those Capitol children anyway.

I am not a good person. Maybe... maybe I thought I could change. Maybe I thought I could put all this behind me. The Captiol, the Hunger Games, Peeta... But girls like me don't deserve to be happy. They don't deserved to be liked. Or loved.

So do yourselves all a favor and think before you make a judgement about someone. Because as wrong as you are about Effie? You're just as wrong about me.

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Are you just trying to gain people's sympathy? [There's so much bitterness in her voice.] I thought once that I should give you sympathy, but you're not worth it.

[This? This was exactly what Katniss wanted to hear. The bitterness, the anger. The confirmation in her own head that she wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth anything nice, anything good.

She met the girl's words with silent acceptance. Though she wasn't trying to gain anyone's sympathies - just the opposite, it seemed that her words had been effective at least with Suki.]

I know.

[That wasn't the reaction she was expecting from Katniss. She wanted anger back, then that would give Suki a reason to yell at her. Call her awful things. Get everything off her chest. She was so angry with Katniss, and she wanted her to know. But Katniss wasn't reacting at all, which only pissed her off more.]

That's all you have to say? "I know"? [She hissed out in annoyance.] You're pathetic.

[Maybe if this confrontation had come sooner, come before Sokka had had a chance to talk to her, she'd be more willing to fight. Less willing to be called pathetic or stupid or worthless. Because, at the very least, she was willing to argue that she wasn't pathetic. Not given anything she had done in her life.

But today? Right now? She couldn't bring herself to care.]

It's why I'm doing this. So people know better now.

[The fact Katniss wasn't doing anything only angered Suki more. Here was this girl that Sokka was with only to sleep with. After Suki said no, she said yes.]

Spirits! [Shouting our of annoyance.] You put me down for breaking up with Sokka, even though you didn't even know the whole story. I try to tiddy things up with you, even though you're already sleeping with my boyfri- my ex-boyfriend, and you're you're acting like this?

You just want people to know you're pathetic? Know the kind of girl you are? [Usually Suki wouldn't care, but jealousy was driving her anger right now.] Willing to sleep with any guy that shows up? Was that how your relationship with whatever his name was? The one you were so desperate to forget?

[Why? Why did they have to keep bringing him up? Peeta was gone. Gone and out of her life and might never, ever be back. And it was better that way. Better for him to be away from her, to be safe and live a normal life. Find a girl who really would love him, would give him that family he so wanted without fear of that future. A girl that wasn't her, that he hadn't been programmed to despise.

Tears stung her eyes and she scowled angrily at Suki, unable to remain impassive any longer. Not where Peeta was concerned. She shook her head quickly. That wasn't how their relationship had been at all. Maybe, once, it had been fake. Something conceived to see them both through the Hunger Games. But not here. Here it had been real.]

You don't know anything about that. Don't bring Peeta into this.

You didn't know anything about me and Sokka, yet you brought it up! And then you went and SLEPT with him. [Or so she assumes, seeing how she turned down sleeping with Sokka, so that's all he wanted in the relationship... right?] You don't not have the right to tell me what I'm allowed to talk about.

I... I tried to work things out with you! I tried to befriend you. And what were you doing? Laughing at me?

I'm done showing you pity, Katniss. I pity Peeta though. I'm sure he'd want nothing to do with you either, knowing the person you've become.

[Under other circumstances, she might have attempted to defend herself. She might have told the girl that she had never laughed at her. Had actually sort of enjoyed their conversations after their one initial argument. She was someone Katniss probably could become easy friends with given a different time and place.

But defending herself required far, far too much work right now. Especially when Suki's last words hit home. Peeta would want nothing to do with her, either. They had only begun to rekindle their friendship back home before she wound up here. And the Peeta who had been here hadn't been hijacked, hadn't lived through everything she had.

Would that Peeta still want her, knowing all this? She had seen revulsion in his eyes before. Her fingers moved to her neck as if she could almost feel his hands choking her again.]

I don't deserve pity. [She took a deep breath.] Okay? No pity. Nothing remotely sympathetic or nice. I'm not worth that. I'm not worth anything.

[Once again, her reaction was unexpected. Suki wanted a fight, which was a rare thing. Yes, she fought all the time, but with friends, or with people she thought were friends, she liked talking things out. Right now though, she wanted to punch Katniss. She wanted Katniss to feel the pain she was feeling right now, but it wasn't working out that way.

Instead of yelling at her, Katniss seemed to be just letting Suki emotional beat her, which was even more aggravating.]

STOP IT! Stop acting so defeated... [It was so hard to be angry with someone who was acting like this, but Suki wasn't going to back down. She felt so betrayed by someone she was trying to befriend.]

[In Katniss' eyes, she hadn't done anything wrong. Suki and Sokka hadn't been together at the time. They hadn't been together for a while, if she recalled. She had barely known the other girl. And not a word was spoken about what had developed with Sokka because she didn't want anyone's pity when things ended. When it all went bad. Only a few people knew. But they were the people that she was closest with. People she couldn't really keep anything from.

Suki hadn't fallen into that category. Maybe someday. But certainly not for some time.

Probably, she should have cared as to why Suki was so angry. Reasoned it through. But Katniss was too caught up in her own world - in her own hurt and anger and grief and self-loathing - to really care. Instead, she shrugged again.]

My sister died because of me. I voted to let more children die in an arena, in a fight to the death. Why should I bother defending myself?

You let your sister... die?

[Suki was completely taken off guard from that comment. She really had no idea, but why should she? It wasn't like they were close, so Katniss didn't need to tell her, but Suki wish she knew.

Still, Katniss was going about this all the wrong way.]

Because you fight, well you should. But it doesn't like you know how.

[Katniss scowled angrily. Let her die? If she had any choice in the matter, Prim wouldn't have been there. Prim would have been safe in District 13 where she should have been. But she hadn't had a choice. Prim had been too eager to help. And President Coin had been more than ready to punish Katniss through her sister.

She would sacrifice her life again and again to protect her little sister. She had proven that when she had volunteered to take Prim's place in the Hunger Games. This girl didn't know that, didn't know any of that. Perhaps she should tell her.

Perhaps.]

I didn't let her die. [Quietly,] Not when I would've died for her. So I killed the woman who had her killed. President Coin used all of us.

16th Game [video]

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