stillplaying | 16th Game [video]

[She's spent the last week hiding. Skipped guitar lessons with Teddy and archery lessons with Henry, barely showed her face in public. Most of her time was spent in the far reaches of the woods away from any areas she knew Sokka might hunt. When she could bother going on her forays. But in the past week, they hadn't felt quite the same. She hadn't been able to lose herself in the hunt as she normally did. Not when there was a fear in her belly that she might see him.

At least Gale had been smart. He'd put that space between them by moving to District 4. This town was too small. It lacked that space she had had in Panem. And because they had been so damn open about their relationship at Prim's party... People knew. So many people knew.

If there was one thing that Katniss couldn't stand, it was humiliation. She didn't want to see their pitying looks. Hear their echoed apologies. She had already had to go through that once. When she had lost Peeta, when her heart had truly broken. This? This didn't hurt as much. No, it was the mortification and the self-disgust that really bothered her now. At least she hadn't been so stupid as letting herself fall in love. But if it had gone on longer? If he hadn't had his death penalty removed, would she have?

Better to have them all hate her, despise her, than pity her. At least that she knew how to deal with, felt as if she could accept. Because they'd be right not to like her. All of them would be right. This likable girl her friends thought she was? That was a lie, only a part of whatever charisma it was she held over others. And today? Today seemed like the perfect day to do just that.

Effie's last post remained fresh in her mind as she turned on the video recorder in the journal. Her hair was neatly braided in its custom side braid. The mockingjay pin pinned high on the chest of one of her nicer blouses, displayed where everyone could see it. She stared resolutely at the camera for a minute before she nodded.]

Today, back in my home of Panem, would have been the first time in seventy-six years that a reaping of contestants for the annual Hunger Games would not have occurred. As many of you know by now, every year, on this day, the names of two children from each district - a boy and a girl between the years of twelve to eighteen years of age - would be selected to fight to the death in an arena days later. The Hunger Games served as entertainment to those who lived in the Capitol. People like Effie Trinket who didn't know better. An honor to those in the richer Districts, the ones favored by the Capitol. For the rest of us, it was a punishment, a reminder of the cost that came with rising up against our government.

[She took a deep breath, lips pursed together for a quick second as she remembered. She spoke without thinking. Determined, she only realized later, to take the heat off of Effie for her suggestion of games here in Luceti. Her mockingjay wings twitched behind her. But once she started speaking again, the words tumbled out. She held her gaze steady, grey eyes showing all the emotion her stoic expression hid.]

Many of you were angry when Effie suggested the idea of gladiatorial-like games here in our prison. But Effie was only acting like everyone else here, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. Looking for something that would make her feel more at home. Just like the rest of us. You have no right, no right at all, to judge her for that. You don't know our world. You don't know what it could be like.

The 75th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, were the last official games held by President Snow and the Gamemakers. But they weren't the last Hunger Games. Because after the second uprising ended, after we won, the surviving victors of previous Games met. There were only seven of us left. Me and Peeta. Our mentor, Haymitch. Johanna, Enobaria, Beetee, Annie. We were given a choice by President Coin - the new leader of Panem, the leader I executed in revenge for my sister's death. One last Hunger Games, this one played by twenty four children directly related to those who held the most power in Panem.

I think the way the vote fell was obvious. Peeta and Beetee and Annie voted no. The better of us. Johanna and Enobaria voted yes. And Haymitch and I? We had the last votes. But he's as unlikable, as bitter as I am. I suspected how he'd vote. And I voted to kill those Capitol children anyway.

I am not a good person. Maybe... maybe I thought I could change. Maybe I thought I could put all this behind me. The Captiol, the Hunger Games, Peeta... But girls like me don't deserve to be happy. They don't deserved to be liked. Or loved.

So do yourselves all a favor and think before you make a judgement about someone. Because as wrong as you are about Effie? You're just as wrong about me.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The lack of response doesn't deter Prim. After a few beats to see if she'd get a reply, Prim just opens the door, stepping inside quietly. She's worried for a moment that Katniss won't be inside, that the reason she got no response was because her sister had gone to ground somewhere, but...

Ah. ]

There you are. Are you...

[ She cuts herself off. The automatic question is stupid right now, and Prim shakes her head as she goes to sit on the bed, if Katniss lets her. ]

[She watched with wide, grey eyes as her sister walked into the room. It wasn't as if she could keep her from entering, not when she practically gave up the room to her sister. In some ways, Prim had more right to be in here than she did. But her sister had been gracious since the day Sokka had come over to tell the truth of matters. She hadn't pushed. Nor had she tried to force Katniss out when she had wanted the room.

But what could she say? She hadn't been at this much of a loss of words with Prim since that night in District 13 when her sister had comforted her over Peeta. The subject at hand wasn't Peeta this time. But in so many ways, he was still at the heart of the problem. He might just always be.

She hated herself for that, too. For her inability to let go and her failure in picking out any sort of decent relationship to move on with.

Cautiously, she watched her sister sit on the bed.] Am I what?

I was going to ask if you were okay.

[ Prim curled her legs up underneath her, making herself comfortable. She wasn't planning to leave until she was sure, at least, that Katniss knew that despite her efforts to push everyone away Primrose was not having any of it. She'd seen her sister through good and bad times.

This was just one of the bad times.

Playing with the end of her braid, Prim looked over at Katniss, biting her lip. ]

But you're not, are you? So it's a silly question.

[A very silly question, really. Prim could probably tell better than anyone here when Katniss was feeling good and when she wasn't. She hadn't ever been all that good at lying to her sister. Prim always knew better. Even when Katniss had tried her best to be strong and indifferent, Prim always knew better.

She should have filtered that post away from Prim. Should have kept it all away from Prim. Because the whole point of being here now, of having her sister here, was to keep her safe. This was not at all helpful in keeping Prim safe. Or even the slightest bit happy.

Sighing, she looked over at Prim.] If I said yes, would you believe me?

[ Prim shook her head, keeping her eyes on her sister.

No, she wouldn't believe that. Not when it was so patently untrue. ]

No. I think it's just one of those questions you start to ask, without meaning to.

...If I asked you what's wrong, would you tell me?

[Of course she would tell her. Slowly, reluctantly. Because she wouldn't want to burden her sister. She never wanted to do that. And yet, somewhere along the way, her sister had grown up. Had been capable of giving Katniss the advice she hadn't found from others. It had been advice about Peeta then. About the uprising.

Her sister wasn't a little girl anymore. She was a young adult in her own right. Someone capable of understanding the intricacies of the world they found themselves in now.

Katniss would hate herself in the morning. But for now...]

Has anyone told you about death penalties?

[ Prim nodded, immediately. ]

Yes. People...lose things. When they die.

[ She'd learned about it a while ago, from someone she'd never spoken to since. It was a passing conversation, almost, but she'd remembered what it was about because that mattered.

[She almost wished that Prim hadn't come up with that answer so easily. That she had been kept free from the darker side of life here in Luceti. But Prim had lived through almost as much as Katniss had. No matter how much Katniss wanted to keep her sister innocent of pain and cruelty, she couldn't. Not when they had both grown up watching the Hunger Games. Not when they both lost their father at too young an age.]

Sokka had died. And he lost his... [What was the word they used here? Soul?] ...whatever it was that made him a good person.

[She should say more. Explain how this related to her. Why it hurt so much. But just this little bit seemed next to impossible to get out.]

[ The darker side of Luceti has been there for a long while. At least, Prim had initially mistrusted aspects, and she'd been told about experiments early on, and the penalty. Her sister had been away when she'd first arrived, after all. ...That said, she couldn't begrudge that darkness if it was required for her to be here, alive, and living on borrowed time.

She just felt sad for the times she knew they would be touched by it, even though they'd lived with so much darkness before.

Prim looked sideways, listening carefully. Sokka. ]

...Recently, or before he and you...?

[Recently, she can't help but feel, wouldn't matter that much. Recently wouldn't have affected her at all. Oh, she would have been sad, would have worried about a friend. But in the end, it wouldn't have been the reason for the relationship they had shared. Wouldn't have been the only reason he was attracted to her.

She should have known better. Should've, should've, should've.

Katniss sighed, looking away from Prim.] Before.

[ Oh. That...she knew about them, had met Sokka, had even liked him in a general way because he'd put a smile on her sister's face and that was worth everything in the world. But if that was what had happened, she knew - the things that were probably going through Katniss' head. Katniss, who rarely even seemed to believe she deserved Prim's love, which had never been in question.

Luceti sometimes seemed to be full of lies like this. Things they felt and didn't feel, and relationships built like a house of cards. Prim knew at least one relationship, one emotion, was always true, though. She cared about her sister more than anyone else in the world.

And she leaned over to hug Katniss now, wishing she could help more than she felt she could. ]

I'm sorry, Katniss. This place...it does horrible things sometimes, doesn't it?

[She let Prim hug her, seeking comfort in her sister's arms. Even if she was supposed to be the older one, the stronger one, she stole these few seconds. Let herself be cared for instead. It wasn't fair to Prim. But she needed it all the same. Needed to know that someone here loved her.

Even if she didn't deserve it.]

It does.

[Those two words came out as more of a croak than anything. An attempt not to start crying all over again. Because while this situation with Sokka was horrible, it wasn't the worst thing she had experienced here. Loving and losing Peeta?

Nothing could ever be more painful than that.]

[ Prim had never minded giving Katniss comfort. Giving her sister her love. It was always there, unending, and always had been. Katniss always wanted to be strong for her - but Prim wanted to be strong for Katniss, too. Or wanted them to be strong for one another, when they could be, and accept when they couldn't.

But she'd never been in the Games, and despite her lost innocence, Prim had never lost her ideals. ]

Even so, I...

[ Even though it was horrible, this place, even though sometimes things happened that she hated so much - ]

I'm here for you. With you. That's something, right?

16th Game [video]

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