stillplaying | 12th Game [voice/action]

[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]

Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]

I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.

[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]

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[The initial outburst, pain fueled by the lingering wisps of horrible nightmares, has slowly started to subside. She still sits in the dark, the only light that capable of flitting in through the blinds. Her knees are huddled up against her chest as she stares at the book resting on a nearby pillow. The trauma hasn't left quite yet.

But she has, at least, come to her senses enough to retreat back into her shell. To be reluctant to talk to those she doesn't already know. Even if they remind her of her former psychiatrist.

The words aren't so surprising. They really are a lot like some of the things Dr. Aurelius would tell her whenever he'd try to bring up Prim. If anything, it's a little too much like the words she heard upon losing her sister. And because of that, her stare switches to something of a glare.]

He's not dead. [Not like Prim is, gone from her forever.] Just gone. Not here anymore. Sent home.

[He didn't know. It never occurred to him that her friend is still alive. He was given the impression that death is the reasoning behind her wanting to forget. But it isn't. And to him, it's a blessing more than anything else. At least in her case, Katniss has a chance to return to him, if she is willing to wait.]

Then you have something to look forward to. You may not know when, but you will see him again, whether in your world or in Luceti.

[If anything, knowing that should bring her hope and some peace of mind. And if it doesn't, then Oak isn't sure if he could help her at all. But he's not going to throw in the towel just yet. It all depends on what she says or do next.]

[She thought so at first. Sometime shortly after he had first left. Even tried to force the return herself, manipulating Clove into killing her in hopes the Malnosso wouldn't resuscitate her but just send her home instead.

It hadn't worked. Not even the slightest.

Hope wasn't something she had ever been good at. That optimism that all could be good again, that dandelions would rise every spring. It was a part of the reason Peeta was so important to her. He had that optimism she needed.]

I've been here a year.

[There's doubt in her voice. Doubt that she'll ever get to go back to Panem, to District 12. To Peeta.]

[Her hope may be waning, but Oak has something that would help rekindle it and make it strong again. And that is a second chance, an opportunity, and a key that would open the door to success - a way out. She could still see Peeta and a lot sooner than she thinks if all goes according to plan. He doesn't know when it'll happen or if it would work, but it should keep her afloat for just a little while longer.]

I cannot explain in detail, since the Malnosso may be listening, but trust me when I say that you may see him again.

[Secrets. There have been so many secrets in her life, so many complicated twists and turns that she doesn't want to hear any more. She knows that she ought to be fighting more, fighting harder against the Malnosso. But she's as tired of that as she is of missing Peeta. As she is of the the nightmares that visit her every night.

She scowls, frustration and suspicion clear in her voice.] It's not that easy.

So would you rather they give up instead? Is that what you want them to do? [Oak is growing equally frustrated, if not more so. It's like this girl doesn't even want to be happy, to be glad that there are people who are trying their best to find everyone a way back home.]

Should they follow in your footsteps and admit defeat at every turn? Or should they keep going?

[She has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. Who he's talking about. She doesn't care about anyone else right now. About anything else going on in Luceti. All Katniss wants is for the nightmares to end. For the pain of missing Peeta to ebb.

To be happy, like Richard has said she ought to be.

But these accusations only irritate her.]

I don't know what you're talking about!

[There was a frustrated sigh before he replied, hoping that Kantniss will understand where he's coming from without exposing too much of the information Aang has given him out in the open. If she's willing to think a little more, maybe she'll have a little hope and some understanding along the way. He has a feeling that won't be the case, but he'll try anyway. That's all he can really do at this point]

...You said it's not that easy, did you not? After I told you that you will see Peeta soon. Now think about it. Can you say those very words to a small group of people who are trying to make that possible?

[She scowls again. Thinking is one of the last things she wants to do right now. Thinking or contemplating or trying to solve any riddles or mysteries. She just wants to be left alone to sulk. Or offered a way to forget. Because even if she does go home, it won't be the same. Peeta won't be the same.

He'll still be recovering from his hijacking. He might not want to start anything with her, not that Katniss would blame him. No, she wouldn't blame that Peeta at all if he didn't love her.

But she's not going to explain this to the man, a total stranger. She's had enough. She doesn't want to puzzle out these cryptic hints.

Without saying a word, she disconnects the feed.]

[It took Oak a moment to find out that he was disconnected from the feed, but did nothing except to let out a disappointing sigh. He failed, but did the best he could to help the young woman. He can only hope that someone she trusted would tell her that forgetting those memories would cause her more harm than good. But for now, he's going to back down and occupy his mind by reading other entries that happen to be on the journal. He'll talk to her when the opportunity comes and when she's in a better mood, because this won't the last she'll hear from him.]

Edited 2013-03-19 08:28 (UTC)

12th Game [voice/action]

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