Katniss Everdeen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
stillplaying) wrote2013-03-11 10:14 am
Entry tags:
12th Game [voice/action]
[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.
In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.
Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.
During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.
So, so many deaths. And all because of her.
As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.
She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]
Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?
She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]
I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.
Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--
[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]
Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.
I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.
[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]
[action]
Dark. Of course it's dark. He squints slightly, eyes shifting just slightly to better his gaze, making it easier to see despite the darkness.]
Katniss? [It might be hard to see, but when he closes the door and takes a few steps inside, it's easy to spot her. On the couch, sheet around her shoulders, though her expression is a bit hard to see...
He goes to the couch too, eyes returning to normal before he sits, one hand on his own knee, the other sliding around to hold the shoulder furthest from him. He won't pull her to his side yet - not yet, not until he's sure she wants touch, or just to talk.]
Hey...
[action]
Oh. She realizes it a second later. He's being polite. Because some people around here are polite. People that were obviously not her. A girl who stays seated with the lights off even as a friend wanders about in the dark. One who stays silent and doesn't offer any sort of word of greeting. Even if it is late at night.
Somehow, he makes his way over to the couch and slings his shoulder over the couch. She hesitates for a moment, unsure of herself and the invitation, before accepting it. Pulling the sheet with her, she snuggles up against him and places her head in the crook of his arm.
She hates these nightmares. Despises them so very much.]
[action]
He lets his thumb run in circles around her shoulder, staying quiet for a moment before he lifts his head up slightly to talk, his voice quiet.]
Nightmare?
[Do you want to talk about it?]
[action]
She closes her eyes and just lets him hold her for a moment or two longer before nodding just a tiny bit. Enough to show the affirmative.]
Yeah. Again. I.. [It's harder to open up without the chocolates in her system. But she's trying. Because there's probably little more she can reveal to Teddy than she did that day.] I've always had nightmares. Since the Hunger Games. They got worse during the uprising but... while Peeta was here? They weren't so bad anymore.
[action]
He kind of wishes that he could be there for Katniss if she calls him, but he does have Billy. Billy, who also has nightmares, who'd also been given the short end of the stick regarding the war.
... Doesn't help that Teddy's a horribly heavy sleeper.]
You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to. I'm here for you if you don't... but I'll listen to everything you say if you do. I'm no Peeta, but I'm here.