stillplaying | 12th Game [voice/action]

[There are some nights where she can't sleep. Can't fall asleep to begin with, can't stay asleep once she's there. The nightmares become too intense. She awakes crying, screaming, gasping for breath. Curled up in a ball, clutching her knees to her chest in as tight a fetal position as she can get. And alone. So very, very alone in the dark, dark room.

Those kinds of nights have grown more and more common since Peeta's departure, since her death. Even Buttercup's plaintive mewling in the night hasn't made it any better. The pain and fear doesn't fade. It lasts long, long into the morning on the nights she's unable to go back to sleep. Turns into another fitful nightmare otherwise.

In one short month, there's been a lot to think about. Too much to think about. She's been stuck here a year now. Seen various shifts and experiments. Fallen in love and then lost that love. Died. In the most recent shift, while she hadn't been forced to fall in love against her will, she had watched it happen, even observed it first hand in once case. All of it, more than anything, had made her think of Peeta.

Think and mourn until she thought that she would burst from all the heartache.

During the early morning, she awoke screaming, thrashing in her bed as her nightmares played Prim's death out for her again. Prim's death followed by that of Rue's. And Peeta's electrocution in the clock arena. How she had screamed and rushed forward, how he would have been dead if not for Finnick's quick thinking.

So, so many deaths. And all because of her.

As she moves about in the bed, screaming and crying, she knocks the journal down on the floor. Buttercup mews and she just screams again, a wordless, animal scream. Whimpering and sobbing, she does eventually come to her senses. Her body remains cocooned in the sheets as she reaches for the journal, face tear-stained and lost.

She misses him. Maybe more than that, she misses having someone to comfort her in the night when the memories get to be too much.]

Gale was right. [The words are whispered, an acknowledgment to words long past that she once overheard. It's never going to be about love for her. It'll only be about who will extend her longevity in the end. Who'll make her life easier to bear. And if Peeta's not here, how could it possibly be him?

She stares at the journal a few minutes more before clearing her voice and finally speaking, wiping away any lingering tears.]

I know that when you die here, they'll take things from you. And they'll change things during the shifts. Hijack you and alter your memories.

Can you get them to do that even outside a shift? How would you contact them? I-- I want them gone. The memories of Peeta being here. I don't want to miss him anymore, miss--

[Being in love. Being loved. But she doesn't know how to say that part aloud. She wishes for a brief moment she had kept some of that candy from the spa. The stuff that made her open up more. It'd make this all the more easier.]

Is there a magic? Please? Something, anything? I don't have much to offer, but I am a good hunter. I'll trade game and pelts. Anything you want.

I want to move on. I want to forget. And I don't know how else to do it. [Richard's advice comes to mind. She's already thrown herself in hunting, thrown herself in anything and everything she can think of to distract her. It hasn't worked. Not at all. So that leaves only the other thing he recommended: moving on.] He might never come back. I might never go back. I-- I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to move on.

[With that, she closes the journal to go get dressed. Her hair is pulled back in a messy braid before she heads out. Not to hunt. Not today. Instead, she goes to the library. She has research to do.]

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It's not much, but I might know something that could help. The effects won't last long, but I can try a few different things.

[Kohaku would feel so bad if she couldn't be able to help a person with this kind of problem. She knows that feeling.]

[At hearing this response, she checks the journal again. Makes certain that there are no filters she might otherwise be missing. This girl's response, while similar to that of Loki's, lacks any secrecy. Any promises not to repeat to anyone the offer made.

That alone keeps her interested in the offer. She hasn't said yes to Loki yet.]

What can you try?

Well, I know it might sound weird, but being around me, and listening to my songs have a special way of keeping bad emotions away. I may also be able to help with any other problems that you have.

[Yes, it may sound odd, but angels have a pleasent effect on people in many ways. Also, she can't lie about these things...or anything actually.]

Edited (I fail at life) 2013-03-13 04:30 (UTC)

[It does sound weird. In all the time she's been here, it might actually be the strangest response she's ever gotten to a journal entry. But it has the effect she had been hoping for. She's so baffled and confused by what this girl might possibly mean that, for a moment, the nightmares go away. Heartache over Peeta's absence disappears. And all she can do is wrinkle her brow and shake her head.]

What?

[Should've expected that. Kohaku has a habit of thinking that everything in her world is completely normal...]

It's something angels can do in my world. A human being around one might get into a better mood. Singing is capable of relaxing, and making one happy. Or at least forgetting their problems for a bit. But I am sorry, I don't think I'm able to grant any wishes here.

I do know how you feel, I kind of went through the same thing. I may not be able to help with just one spell, but I can at least make the pain dull.

[Even with the explanation, she remains confused. For the most part, she understood that this girl isn't human. And for some reason, proximity to her species places someone in a better mood.

But that's about it. That's all she understands.]

What's an angel?

[Why is that always the question? Kohaku is quite horrible at answering this question. All she can do is sigh.]

...Does your world have a god? Or something no there, but you believe is watching over you?

Angels are those that help him, and people.

[Whether or not being around this girl is supposed to make one feel better, at the very least, she certainly provides enough of a distraction. And it's kind of nice. It gives Katniss a chance not to focus on her nightmares. Not to focus on her sadness. Instead, she tries to puzzle out this girl's confusing background.

And confusing words. But something said at the winter dance comes back to her. The explanation for that holiday she had opted not to celebrate.]

No. There's nothing like that in Panem.

That's alright, a lot of people don't, and I've never been good at explaining. I guess angels are around to make people happy and help them, to put it as simply as possible.

[Kohaku hates to confuse people, back home she lives as a human, so she's never had to explain herself to anyone but Shuichiro, though he's special.]

[It's an explanation. Albeit, it's not an explanation that makes any sense to her. Angels are around to make people happy. What kind of... of anything exists just to make people happy?

Especially when most people she knows, herself included, do not deserve that kind of happiness.]

Why?

...Why? I don't really know why, it's just how things are in my world. It's taught to us, to care more about others than we do ourselves.

I'm confusing you aren't I? If it's too strange, just say so. I just wanted to help you because I know what you're feeling.

[She nods in response, forgetting that the book isn't on video mode. The idea of a world in which people are taught to care more about others in place of themselves is impossible. Laughable. Nothing even the slightest bit like the world she was raised in.

When no response comes right away, Katniss finally remembers to speak.]

Yeah. [She coughs, clearing her throat.] Yeah, this is very confusing. It shouldn't be possible.

A lot of things shouldn't be possible in this place, but they are.

[Kohaku understands though. She's freaked out quite a few people here without trying. She just wanted to help.]

[It's a valid point. She shouldn't have wings. She shouldn't even be here. And then there's the way she had died and had somehow managed to come back to life. But not without a price. She couldn't sing now. The one skill that had made her something more than just an expert killer.

Katniss shakes her head, grumbling a little as she replies.] I hate that.

[That's...confusing. Kohaku is so used to everyone being curious about all the new things and people here. Even though this isn't the safest place, she's never actually heard someone say they hate it.]

I know I have no real right to ask, but is that only because someone left? [Kohaku had many dear people to her leave, and it hurt, but even then she didn't hate it here.]

[She doesn't hate it always. Sometimes it's nice. It's nice to be somewhere where no one knows her name, no ones knows what she did. She even likes some of the friends she's found here.

But she won't ever forget how much Luceti resembles a team. How much the Malnosso are just new Gamemakers, manipulating their pieces for the sake of science instead entertainment.

And while the girl isn't entirely off with her guess, Katniss is still reluctant to say anything at first. Finally, she settles on:]

Partially.

12th Game [voice/action]

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