stillplaying | 16th Game [video]

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16th Game [video]

[She's spent the last week hiding. Skipped guitar lessons with Teddy and archery lessons with Henry, barely showed her face in public. Most of her time was spent in the far reaches of the woods away from any areas she knew Sokka might hunt. When she could bother going on her forays. But in the past week, they hadn't felt quite the same. She hadn't been able to lose herself in the hunt as she normally did. Not when there was a fear in her belly that she might see him.

At least Gale had been smart. He'd put that space between them by moving to District 4. This town was too small. It lacked that space she had had in Panem. And because they had been so damn open about their relationship at Prim's party... People knew. So many people knew.

If there was one thing that Katniss couldn't stand, it was humiliation. She didn't want to see their pitying looks. Hear their echoed apologies. She had already had to go through that once. When she had lost Peeta, when her heart had truly broken. This? This didn't hurt as much. No, it was the mortification and the self-disgust that really bothered her now. At least she hadn't been so stupid as letting herself fall in love. But if it had gone on longer? If he hadn't had his death penalty removed, would she have?

Better to have them all hate her, despise her, than pity her. At least that she knew how to deal with, felt as if she could accept. Because they'd be right not to like her. All of them would be right. This likable girl her friends thought she was? That was a lie, only a part of whatever charisma it was she held over others. And today? Today seemed like the perfect day to do just that.

Effie's last post remained fresh in her mind as she turned on the video recorder in the journal. Her hair was neatly braided in its custom side braid. The mockingjay pin pinned high on the chest of one of her nicer blouses, displayed where everyone could see it. She stared resolutely at the camera for a minute before she nodded.]

Today, back in my home of Panem, would have been the first time in seventy-six years that a reaping of contestants for the annual Hunger Games would not have occurred. As many of you know by now, every year, on this day, the names of two children from each district - a boy and a girl between the years of twelve to eighteen years of age - would be selected to fight to the death in an arena days later. The Hunger Games served as entertainment to those who lived in the Capitol. People like Effie Trinket who didn't know better. An honor to those in the richer Districts, the ones favored by the Capitol. For the rest of us, it was a punishment, a reminder of the cost that came with rising up against our government.

[She took a deep breath, lips pursed together for a quick second as she remembered. She spoke without thinking. Determined, she only realized later, to take the heat off of Effie for her suggestion of games here in Luceti. Her mockingjay wings twitched behind her. But once she started speaking again, the words tumbled out. She held her gaze steady, grey eyes showing all the emotion her stoic expression hid.]

Many of you were angry when Effie suggested the idea of gladiatorial-like games here in our prison. But Effie was only acting like everyone else here, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation. Looking for something that would make her feel more at home. Just like the rest of us. You have no right, no right at all, to judge her for that. You don't know our world. You don't know what it could be like.

The 75th Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, were the last official games held by President Snow and the Gamemakers. But they weren't the last Hunger Games. Because after the second uprising ended, after we won, the surviving victors of previous Games met. There were only seven of us left. Me and Peeta. Our mentor, Haymitch. Johanna, Enobaria, Beetee, Annie. We were given a choice by President Coin - the new leader of Panem, the leader I executed in revenge for my sister's death. One last Hunger Games, this one played by twenty four children directly related to those who held the most power in Panem.

I think the way the vote fell was obvious. Peeta and Beetee and Annie voted no. The better of us. Johanna and Enobaria voted yes. And Haymitch and I? We had the last votes. But he's as unlikable, as bitter as I am. I suspected how he'd vote. And I voted to kill those Capitol children anyway.

I am not a good person. Maybe... maybe I thought I could change. Maybe I thought I could put all this behind me. The Captiol, the Hunger Games, Peeta... But girls like me don't deserve to be happy. They don't deserved to be liked. Or loved.

So do yourselves all a favor and think before you make a judgement about someone. Because as wrong as you are about Effie? You're just as wrong about me.

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[A very silly question, really. Prim could probably tell better than anyone here when Katniss was feeling good and when she wasn't. She hadn't ever been all that good at lying to her sister. Prim always knew better. Even when Katniss had tried her best to be strong and indifferent, Prim always knew better.

She should have filtered that post away from Prim. Should have kept it all away from Prim. Because the whole point of being here now, of having her sister here, was to keep her safe. This was not at all helpful in keeping Prim safe. Or even the slightest bit happy.

Sighing, she looked over at Prim.] If I said yes, would you believe me?

[Maybe at another point in time, she'd smile a little in response. Katniss was much the same. Notoriously bad at doing anything she 'should.' It had driven both Haymitch and Effie mad during the Hunger Games. And again during the war. Reckless and stubborn and unpredictable. Wasn't that a good reason why President Coin had killed Prim? To try and put her under that control?

She had done so many things wrong in her life. So many things. Really, she deserved this.]

I thought it was time people knew the truth. So there wouldn't be any future misconceptions.

[She shook her head quickly. Katniss was just as good at breaking the rules, doing the sorts of things no one wanted her to do. But this was different. The Hunger Games had to be played with children. So their parents and their grandparents would know the pain suffered by everyone in the Districts.]

It wouldn't be the same.

Edited (let's try finishing the comment before posting) 2013-08-09 16:38 (UTC)

It's not a matter of caring. [She took a deep breath, stealing herself to keep from snapping at the girl. Yes, she cared for Prim. She was her sister, everything to Katniss. But all that had done was gotten her killed in the end. There was a reason why this caring had to stop.] It's still selfish. Everything I've done is selfish.

[ Prim shook her head, keeping her eyes on her sister.

No, she wouldn't believe that. Not when it was so patently untrue. ]

No. I think it's just one of those questions you start to ask, without meaning to.

...If I asked you what's wrong, would you tell me?

[Once again, her reaction was unexpected. Suki wanted a fight, which was a rare thing. Yes, she fought all the time, but with friends, or with people she thought were friends, she liked talking things out. Right now though, she wanted to punch Katniss. She wanted Katniss to feel the pain she was feeling right now, but it wasn't working out that way.

Instead of yelling at her, Katniss seemed to be just letting Suki emotional beat her, which was even more aggravating.]

STOP IT! Stop acting so defeated... [It was so hard to be angry with someone who was acting like this, but Suki wasn't going to back down. She felt so betrayed by someone she was trying to befriend.]

But that is you. Don't you see? Your background doesn't matter to me. Why are you trying to push away the people that care about you?

[ It scares her. It really does. Because she did that herself not so long ago, and she'd never been so sad in her entire life. ]

If I did know you, I'd be impressed by your ruthlessness. And if you were a bit older and just a bit more attractive, I'd be turned on.

[Eleanor frowns.]

No, I suppose it wouldn't. But it still would have been revenge.

Then be neither.

[He closes the journal afterwards, because this time he finds himself not able to deal with your nonsense, Katniss.]

It is ultimately foolish to dismiss potentially useful resources. I redirect you know this.

Now, now. You'll wound an old man's feelings with talk like that.

[He shrugs.]

One can't help but admire someone who can own up to their own mistakes, as horrific as they may be. Not to mention, you seem to know your way around politics, to an extent.

"They did NOT need to know ANY of that! Goodness! Do your people not teach you how to hide things?!"

Because that had been one of the most important lessons Effie's parents had taught HER. A lesson in survival. And Katniss had just violated the cardinal rule.

"YOU need control of the information! YOU have responsibility for others' perceptions of you! And it's hard. And it hurts and it can be uncomfortable and terrible. But you do it anyway."

H-Hello.

[He came in nervously, hesitantly.]

I'm sorry. I... I thought I had to see you in person.

[Of course she would tell her. Slowly, reluctantly. Because she wouldn't want to burden her sister. She never wanted to do that. And yet, somewhere along the way, her sister had grown up. Had been capable of giving Katniss the advice she hadn't found from others. It had been advice about Peeta then. About the uprising.

Her sister wasn't a little girl anymore. She was a young adult in her own right. Someone capable of understanding the intricacies of the world they found themselves in now.

Katniss would hate herself in the morning. But for now...]

Has anyone told you about death penalties?

[She rolls her eyes. Not that she could tell all that well from the journal, but he didn't seem all that much older than her. Besides, age didn't really matter. In her nineteen years, she had lived through far more than someone triple her age.]

I didn't say this to be admired.

[No. She had admitted to her past sins in an attempt to push more people away. To make herself isolated here, to show any of those who actually liked her just how wrong they were. So they could know the real her and not some girl she had pretended to be.]

And I don't like politics.

[She nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off of him. He had to see her in person. Why? She didn't understand. Whatever had to be said could be said through the journal. If matters got uncomfortable, he could just close the book. Both of them could pretend this never happened.

But keeping her thoughts to herself wouldn't get her any of the answers she wanted. She tilted her head slightly, pursing lips together.]

Why?

She took a deep breath as she glanced up at Effie again. It would probably be easiest to let the woman rant. It had been in the past. Say silent, forgotten, and eventually Effie Trinket would calm down. Eventually, she would find some new stain on a dress or some new lack of manners to harp on instead.

But the words "your people" made her pause. Yes, District 12 was her District. She had grown up in the Seam. But her people, in the end, weren't any different from anyone else in Panem. They still toiled, died for their nation.

Quietly, "They're your people, too."

[In Katniss' eyes, she hadn't done anything wrong. Suki and Sokka hadn't been together at the time. They hadn't been together for a while, if she recalled. She had barely known the other girl. And not a word was spoken about what had developed with Sokka because she didn't want anyone's pity when things ended. When it all went bad. Only a few people knew. But they were the people that she was closest with. People she couldn't really keep anything from.

Suki hadn't fallen into that category. Maybe someday. But certainly not for some time.

Probably, she should have cared as to why Suki was so angry. Reasoned it through. But Katniss was too caught up in her own world - in her own hurt and anger and grief and self-loathing - to really care. Instead, she shrugged again.]

My sister died because of me. I voted to let more children die in an arena, in a fight to the death. Why should I bother defending myself?

[No one yet had stopped to really ask her that question. A question she had an answer to, even if she really didn't want to admit it aloud. Pushing people away meant keeping herself safe. Meant keeping herself from losing friends - family as some had become - to their home worlds. Meant keeping her heart from being broken all over again.

And more than that? If she ever got involved in any sort of uprising ever again? Pushing people away meant keeping them safe.]

...it's easier.

I can't believe you really mean that. What about Prim?

[ Would she push her away because it was easier, too? ]

[Perhaps it's easy to seem that way - he looks younger than he is, but acts older, being 35 in his world's years.]

That's fair enough. Regardless of your intent, you've put all that information out there neatly, so everyone is now free to interpret it as they wish. [He gives a slight smile.] Of course, not liking politics is in fact a key to actually striking at them. This is all very intriguing, but I'll understand if you'd rather not discuss it further. I admit that I may have acted too harshly in the past.

It just felt more right than... than just talking over the books. [He shakes his head.] You said a lot of things, Katniss, and... I'm having trouble really understanding a lot of it. [He sounds weary, hurt in a way. Not like a young ball of sunshine but older.]

[She hated that she had done this to him. Aang was one of the few people she knew, could even count on, to be optimistic. To provide some sort of ray of hope where she had none herself. But there was no hope on his face now. Not even the slightest hints thereof.

Despite that, he had more guts than she did. She never would have confronted someone about words spoken on the journal. At least, not in person.

Her breath caught in her throat as she shrugged slight.]

Like what?

Prim would be safer if she didn't have me in her life.

[Those words she could speak without hesitation. Because she knew without a doubt that they were true. That if it weren't for her, Prim might still be alive. Even if, were it not for her, Prim might have found her way into the arena three years ago. That didn't matter. All that mattered was that Prim had died because Katniss was a threat to President Coin.

Quietly,]

She might still be alive.

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