[Those words sound so very, very familiar. Maybe not so much the parts about sex, but the rest. The idea that love isn't meant for someone like Zevran. Someone like her. Hasn't she said the same? To him, to Peeta, to others? Love is not meant for people who are killers. It is not meant for those who survive because of the tragedies they cause for others.
And yet, yet, hadn't she fallen in love with Peeta anyway? Hadn't he loved her regardless?
Her steps falter shortly after his and she blinks at his question and shakes her head. She shrugs and shakes her head yet again. Katniss wants nothing more than to provide him with a clear answer. The right answer. How can she, though, when she doesn't even know herself?]
I don't know. I don't know. [The words are mumbled back as she stares at the floor instead of meeting his gaze.] I'm not Peeta. I'm not - I'm not supposed to love. I'm like you. I'm you.
[But there's more to that. There's much more. There's a reason she woke up screaming for Peeta. A reason she wants all those happy memories gone. Why she had let Clove kill her. A reason why this is all hard to say, almost too much to process.]
I think it makes you weak. Love, that is. It's when you'd die for someone. When you'd put their own survival in front of your own. It's why I don't want to love him or anyone, Zevran. [She can't stop now. Now that the words are all coming together, all the emotions. Katniss swallows hard.] I want to be happy. I want someone to hold me at night when the nightmares come and... and I want to... to do those things with them. All the kissing, more. I want someone to love me. But I don't want to love them. I don't want to love anyone ever again. I don't want to die for them.
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And yet, yet, hadn't she fallen in love with Peeta anyway? Hadn't he loved her regardless?
Her steps falter shortly after his and she blinks at his question and shakes her head. She shrugs and shakes her head yet again. Katniss wants nothing more than to provide him with a clear answer. The right answer. How can she, though, when she doesn't even know herself?]
I don't know. I don't know. [The words are mumbled back as she stares at the floor instead of meeting his gaze.] I'm not Peeta. I'm not - I'm not supposed to love. I'm like you. I'm you.
[But there's more to that. There's much more. There's a reason she woke up screaming for Peeta. A reason she wants all those happy memories gone. Why she had let Clove kill her. A reason why this is all hard to say, almost too much to process.]
I think it makes you weak. Love, that is. It's when you'd die for someone. When you'd put their own survival in front of your own. It's why I don't want to love him or anyone, Zevran. [She can't stop now. Now that the words are all coming together, all the emotions. Katniss swallows hard.] I want to be happy. I want someone to hold me at night when the nightmares come and... and I want to... to do those things with them. All the kissing, more. I want someone to love me. But I don't want to love them. I don't want to love anyone ever again. I don't want to die for them.